Emotionally Spent.

I don't know how single moms can do this. I have support and that is the only reason I've made it this far. I'm not the best house mom, not the worst either. I know Deb would be over and above. Even when her energy is gone she can keep going. I feel I'm not living up to her expectations or mine. Yes I generally keep the kitchen kept because when it isn't everything in there takes seven times as long to do anything. (Weekends that kind of goes to pot though)  I make the dinners for us and Cherry and Randy most evenings. I try to keep the house tidy, that sometimes falls behind. Laundry is maintained and usually put away. But I don't seem to make time to do the extra stuff like clean the fridge from crumbs and spills. I haven't gotten to the pantry that had a powder formula accident a while back. Bathrooms get done but usually a little too long between cleanings. I have barely vacuumed the floors enough; they are in dire need of being done. These are the things that I know Deb wouldn't stop until try are done. Yet I can't find the motivation or the lock of time to get them done. 

This past week we made a very difficult decision. We have three dogs. Two of them are getting up there in age, 14 ish years old. One of them is getting very grumpy in his old age. He randomly snaps at people, ontop of that his seizures are getting a lottle more frequent. We can't risk him snapping  at Spencer. His counterpart is his sister. They have never been apart for more than a few hours in their 14 years. Her health isn't in the best of shape either and  she is starting to get testy. And without her brother I think her heat would be broken and health would deteriorate even further quicker. With that being said we have decided to put them both down. 

Theoretically they could live another few years. It is debatable on the quality of life it would be. This has been the hardest decision to make. But the safety of Spencer is the most important. 

The knowledge that their last trip to the bet is tomorrow is sending me into an emotional downward spiral. 

Today Spencer has had a bad day. I think his teeth are trying to come in. He usually naps for well over an hour and today he has been lucky to get 40 minutes. His waking time he has been grumpy too and this has been making me feel even worse. I have limited patience right now and can't seem to keep him happy. I know most babies have days like this and some more than others. I just can't imagine myself surviving a lot of days like this. 

Each time I hit this emotional low because I can't get things done it is like a tally in my head and each time is worse.  Each time I feel like a worse mom and a worse wife. Each melt down I feel this should be my last, otherwise I'm not doing my job and will make a horrible Sherpa, I won't be able to handle the first major stress as a mom when Spencer gets older. I won't be able to hold my ground in disapline and then Spencer will turn into a spoiled brat. Ill just turn into a permanent mess. 

Spencer is a great little one. Yes he has his off days like everyone does. I can't imagine my life without him.  These lows just happen, sometimes out of the blue, and it is hard to get out of them. I feel bad for getting into them as they are my fault alone. I should be able to do it all.