#141 Meltdown (10/01/12)

This weekend was a gong show.  The panicle of this weekend that is making me write is my motorcycle, and my wife’s.  As mentioned, what seems like ages ago, we are thinking of selling them.  I have resigned myself that selling them is a huge benefit, financially, plus the fact my wife doesn’t like riding because her hand’s fall asleep, which isn’t safe, and I agree.  In addition, now that we travel together, and I don’t pass out as the passenger by the time we hit city limits, I enjoy riding in a car with her and just enjoying our time together talking.

We were moving them from our garage, to the shed, for winter storage, and taking photos to be able to list them on Kijiji, on the off chance we can sell them before winter.  I hit chemical meltdown, downright bawling.  Not conducive to getting work done.  What hold do these bikes have on me?  I don’t have a clue.  There are multiple theories on this, that I have come up with, but none seem to hit the nail on the head, so to speak.  (I can’t even blame PMS.) 

Today at work, I was still an emotional mess, and I don’t know what I need to do.  My wife is at a loss on how to console me.  She isn’t making me sell, or even suggesting it, because when it comes up, I melt down. 

This weekend, I went back into Dos-derland.  I’m in the process of re-losing the weight I had gained in August/September.  I should be happy I’m back on the path to weight loss, but it seems I still have so far to go to get where I was.  Did I gain some weight, but lose a different pound that was tied to more emotional baggage I didn’t know was there?  At this point, I don’t think the motorcycles are the only reason I’m still blue.

Right now, I do want to give up on the weight loss journey, carry on with trying to get pregnant, I’m going to gain all the weight back anyways, and take this body as is; broken through its original packaging, and never going to be in mint condition, (manufacture note: It has been slightly damaged right from the start. )

This blog is keeping me going though, I’m still writing to save my life.  I wasn’t going to post any of this, but in the end, obviously as you are reading this, decided I should.  This is just one of the hard points that I need to work through for this very long journey. 

Maybe I’m just overworked, overtired, and stressed, and this is the manifestation.  There needs to be balance between work and relaxation, maybe I need to bring the balance back to my life, and the motorcycles represent a time in my life where my to-do list was short, and my relaxation time was in abundance.  Right now, my to-do list is a mile long spreadsheet and days off seem to be getting fewer and farther between.  It is my fault for letting it get this way, and it is my responsibility to get the balance back. 

In the film industry, I used to work very hard for periods of time, and then get a month or so off as my relaxation time.  That was my balance.  The down side was, I didn’t know when the next job was coming, which after a month or two of down time, it turned into stress.  This is why I started working at my current job.  It is full time, year round, with moderate pay.  It is my first full time, permanent job, in a roundabout way.  I guess I just need to learn to live this new life, in balance, without having to take extra vacations, just to get away from the to-do lists. 

Or maybe I just need to eat better.  This weekend, my eating habits included Pizza and Chinese food, not good for the diet, but maybe even worse for my mood. 

Amendment:  October 3^rd, 2012.  Or maybe I was coming down with a bug.  The past two days I have been sick; lost 5 pounds in 2 days.  I think Sunday/Monday’s emotional breakdown was a cumulative of all of the above. 

As far as the photo challenge, I think I will just continue on tonight with #3.  :D  Got to keep trying.