Six Weeks Today (05/08/13)

This marks the six weeks of being pregnant, although the frame where egg meets sperm is a few weeks less than that.  So far I have been feeling a bit pregnant but nothing extreme.  In the afternoons I get a slight wave of nausea, my moods have been a little elevated, my breasts are fairly tender (and I’m trying to debate if they are bigger or not), random complete exhaustion at any given moment, and I stress at every cramp in the general vicinity of my uterus.  Every now and then (three times so far) I’ve noticed spotting.  This is the reason I obsess over every cramp.  Two of the times spotting can be slightly explained, but the one on Monday as mentioned during my appointment annoyance, was a bit different.  However it did ease off, and didn’t persist, so I’m trying to just let it be. 

It is now hitting the weight gain isn’t going to go like it should in my head.  In part of my personal persuasion to get knocked up, I had convinced myself that I would be able to not gain too much weight, even maybe keep my current weight by gaining baby, but losing butt/thighs.  But I can all ready see some gain in my face which isn’t a good sign for the vision in my head.  It does give me extra motivation for working out though, but not going too hard.  I have been slack in the exercise department lately.  Between taking it easy to make sure the bean sticks, getting over a cold at the same time (only to get it again slightly arg) being exhausted at most times and Deb being sick, we haven’t been getting any workouts in.  That is trying to change though.  So far I try and get out at lunch again for a little walk.  I am making a stronger attempt to make time for a workout in the evenings.  I am getting concerned I will only be able to wear yoga pants, as Plus Plus size maternity wear seems to be in short supply.

This week babycenter.com tells me

How your baby's growing:

This week's major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil.

I’ve tried to look up specific foods to help with developing mouths, ears, and noses, but nothing came up specifically.  Overall we are trying to eat a lot of vegetables to make sure we are getting a variety of required nutrients. 

Apparently onions help with lung function, so I will try to include extra onions in our dinners to assist with baby developing lungs; however onions are a pretty regular addition to our dinners. 

In our hopes of creating a tall nerd we are trying to include more walnuts in our diet.  Mostly sneaking them into a homemade slaw containing dole bagged slaw, light miracle whip, raisins, and you guessed it, walnuts, it is a great combination.  Upon looking further into the benefits of walnuts I discovered that there are quite a few foods that are good for your brain, some of which I don’t see me eating in a million years (sardines, yuck), but some surprising ones like, sage, oats, flaxseed, and eggs.  I think I will try and incorporate more of these foods where I can. 

Appointment Annoyance Part 2 (05/07/13)

Deb and I took time off work this morning to go to our first prenatal appointment with our family doctor, who was supposed to do the Pap test and pelvic exam, per his instructions.  It was because of the Pap/pelvic exam we had to book during the day so a nurse would be there to assist or whatever it is they need to do when you have a male doctor.  We got there, and he didn’t do that exam.  He figured the OBGYN office would do it.  They took my weight and height; the doctor asked a bunch of questions and took my blood pressure.  That was it.  Once again I was mad.  All of this could have been done in the previous appointment; or in an evening/weekend appointment.

The receptionist then gave me a bunch of requisitions for ultrasounds and blood work to be done between 9-11 weeks pregnant.  Once those results come in then I go back for the second prenatal appointment to go over results then they will refer me to a maternity clinic, because per the nurse, I am not high risk due to IUI, but the doctor doesn’t agree.  I tried to state that I was high risk due to my weight, should I be seeing an OBGYN sooner she said no, it is the doctor’s call.  I also tried to mention that I probably won’t qualify for a maternity clinic low risk referral, she didn’t comment on that.  Another wasted appointment, other than picking up my paperwork for three weeks or so from now, and to show I’m all ready gaining weight.  I asked if we needed to get the beta tests done and they said I can if I want, so they gave a requisition for that in case I want to go before my blood work between 9-11 weeks.

While in the appointment I asked about the spotting I had yesterday, and he said “If a miscarriage is happening, there is nothing they can do.  If the bleeding gets a lot worse, go to the hospital.”

This morning I was fed up to no end.  I woke up with a throbbing tooth, a major sore throat (I caught Deb’s cold) and just feeling pregnant tired.  After this appointment I was once again disappointed with the process.  

Appointment Annoyance (05/02/13)

Yesterday was supposed to be the first of many happy prenatal doctors’ appointments. What actually happened was far from it.  The purpose of the appointment was to get a referral to an OBGYN.  The reason is, our doctor does not deliver babies.  This is a question we covered ages ago.  Everywhere I called and asked on what I need to do, ie maternity clinics, and OBGYN offices, was to go to my family doctor and get a referral.  It was what should have been a simple task.  It ended with me vibrating from anger for wasting both Deb’s and my time, which we had to take off work. 

Our doctor knows we were trying to get pregnant via fertility clinic, as we had some hassle in the beginning of this journey getting the required referral to the fertility clinic from him in the first place.  His original stance was that, we don’t have any fertility issues per se, so he couldn’t refer us to the clinic.  Even though I had talked with the fertility clinic and they assured me I did need a referral, and I mentioned this to our doctor point blank.  He just said, you don’t need it, so I won’t give it to you.  “Just give them a call” he said.  Well when I called the fertility clinic back they assured me I needed the referral, our technical fertility issue is we DON’T HAVE SPERM.  So we had to go back to our doctor, explain again that we did need a referral.  The second appointment he gave us one.  Talk about annoying start to the process. 

At some point last week, Deb and I were in our doctor’s office getting refills of prescriptions.  At which appointment we discussed the most recent insemination and the fact that hopefully we would be coming in for a referral for a doctor that deliver’s babies.  It was at this point he could have mentioned what was needed to be done.  Alas, he did not. 

That brings us to yesterday’s appointment, and I’m positive a lot of my anger is enhanced by the pregnancy hormone.  That doesn’t change the fact that I left fuming. 

We book the appointment for first thing in the morning so both Deb and I could make it to the appointment to discuss which doctor I was getting referred to, etc.  Even though it was early, we both had to miss work to make it to this appointment.  But in our heads it was worth the time off.  We wait for our appointment, which was delayed because our doctor took a personal call on his cell.  Not a big issue, we were excited to be talking about baby doctors, so it didn’t matter at the time. 

Once we finally got to the appointment and told him I was pregnant, and we needed a referral to an OBGYN.  This is when he said he needed a letter from the fertility clinic saying they did the IUI, to deem this pregnancy as high risk.  I explained that the IUI does not automatically deem this high risk, there are unfortunately a few factors that he can choose from (weight, asthma, crohns), but the IUI does not.  He was then raising his voice saying he NEEDED the letter or certificate from the fertility clinic saying they did the IUI. 

I tried to move past that and said, do you want to order blood work to show that I am pregnant, or something.  He then said I need to book my first prenatal appointment with him, which he will do the Pap test, and exam and all the blood work order, and ultra sound order.  But he needed the letter from the clinic first, and he won’t order the blood work until after he does the exam. 

This is something he could have easily explained on our previous visit, but didn’t.  He raised his voice unnecessarily.  I tried to remain calm throughout that appointment, but as we left I was vibrating with his demeanour, and the waste of our time.

Before leaving the office we booked our first “prenatal” appointment for Tuesday, once again having to miss work. I also have two calls into the fertility clinic (one today and one yesterday) to try and get this letter he wants, but no one has returned my call, as of yet.  

4 Weeks 5 Days (04/29/13)

Apparently this is where the shock is wearing off and I am hitting panic mode.  The Virgo in me is coming out and I need to accept right now there is nothing I can be doing other than what I am (eating right, resting and taking vitamins). 

This morning I made a call to a maternity clinic that deals with low risk pregnancies.  I got denied as a patient strictly because my weight puts me as a high risk pregnancy.  That put me in a hormonal spin from angry, as I do try to exercise, I don’t eat fried foods every day, I even eat fairly healthy, to stressed that I need to get a doctor right away in case something is going wrong and I need to do something extra because I’m overweight to protect my pregnancy. 

In my head I’m getting defensive over what we do/don’t eat for when I meet the OBGYN.  I feel I’m just trying to be prepared to cover all directions of conversations with the OBGYN to be protected so I won’t be caught off guard and start crying when the doctor mentions my weight and that I should have lost weight before getting pregnant.  I’m getting nervous about the first appointment and I don’t even know who the doctor is going to be. 

One of the clinics the maternity clinic recommended in the remote area, I am not sure if I even want to go there.  They specialize in vaginal rejuvenation.  OBGYN/Plastic surgeon weren’t two things that I thought would be in the same sentence.  That would make me extra nervous about doctor’s appointments and whether my doctor is judging my netheryaya; “should I suggest surgery”. 

Do you ever sometimes wonder if morning sickness is just caused by stress of being pregnant and all the worries that go with it?

I just need to remember to remain calm; all this stressing is definitely not good for the baby.  

4 Weeks 3 Days = BFP (04/26/13)

On Thursday with testing with the cheapie, it was a negative, but I didn’t take that with much confidence.  This morning we tested with the Clear Blue easy, and this is the result.

I’ve tweaked the picture a little to show the contrast, but there is a line, a very faint line.  We are going to test again on Sunday to be sure the line is getting darker. 

So here are the first of hopefully 36 photo belly sets.  (If you can see the shirt it said “Baby under construction”.  So it looks like for us the Third Time was the Charm

#177 Tinge (02/20/13)

Am I psyching myself up for a heartache?  Am I getting excited over gas?  Today I’ve been a bit crampy.  I’ve been trying to let myself think it is just gas or general stomach issues, in an effort to not get my hopes up.  It feels a bit “pokier” than usual menstrual cramps, but a pretty close comparison.  Well, this afternoon while on the loo, I noticed a pink tinge on the toilet paper.  This is too hard not to think this is implantation, but at 4 days past ovulation/implantation, isn’t it too soon?  Is my body crying wolf just to make me think I’m pregnant?

Alas 10 more days at least before I can take a HPT.  

#176 4 DPI (02/20/13)

We are finally in the first Two Week Wait.  The IUI went well.  The IUI nurse complimented me on my cervix.  It is a good shape and position for baby heads/delivery.  That is good news.  The odd part was; they didn’t have me lay still for any period of time.  While I asked a few questions and what not, I stayed on the exam table, and didn’t rush getting up afterwards.  

Our sperm numbers were pretty good I think.  Post thaw this is how the numbers went; total sperm 76.4 Million/ml.  Our vial was .5ml and they used .1ml for testing.  Of those sperm 42% Highly active, 2% Slow but active and 56% Immobile.  The amount of active sperm I got was 13.4 million.  The clinic said that was fairly good.  So we are hopeful.  Once we got home we did some research on how long it takes the sperm to reach the end of the fallopian tubes.  Surprisingly the little guys make the journey in as little as 10-30 minutes.  With the IUI, closer to the 10 minute mark. 

The day of the IUI, every little twinge had me wondering if that was the sperm meeting the egg, or if that was my official ovulation, or if it was just general stomach issue, or plain psychosomatic and my head just playing tricks on me.   Since then, I’ve had a couple things where, Is this a sign, but in reality, I know it is way too early to have signs of anything, so I’m blaming the HCG shot for them.  Some symptoms include dizzy (which I get periodically for no reason anyways), upset stomach (usually caused by the prenatal vitamins, which I think is the full reason of morning sickness anyways, lol), sensitive sniffer, (this is a new one, as most smells I don’t register unless directly in my nose or very overpowering.  The downside to this is, I get the odorous diapers as my wife is very sensitive.) 

It seems things are getting calmer, and imaginary symptoms are getting less (dizzy spells still happening a bit though, and had an odd urge for hot sauce on dinner last night).  But everything could be coincidence, and just hoping everything is happing as planned.  We still can’t help but wonder if the sperm met the egg, and the egg wasn’t a prude and let the sperm in.  My uterus feels welcoming though.  

I have a few pictures from the day I will post when I sync my camera.  

#156 Surgery Follow Up (12/11/12)

My polyp removal was a success.  My uterus is in good shape.  My right fallopian tube is good and clear.  My left fallopian tube has a small polyp that he left alone.  The doctor showed me a picture, it looks like a little rubber nub.  It isn’t cause for concern, and once you start to play with the fallopian tubes, things can get fried (his word not mine) pretty easily, so he left it there.  This is a bit step forward.  We have clearance to go ahead on my next period.  Which would be now, but because I have one more tooth that should be fixed before pregnancy, it will be in January. 

The countdown is on.  Approximately 38 days to my first IUI.  We are hoping the stars align and we are one of the few that gets a home run on the first try.  Not holding my breath, but hoping.  I went through Deb and my plan for pregnancy with the doctor and he did caution I may want to try more than three times, I mentioned, I realize that, but for now, this is the plan.  Virgos, we need a plan of action first, winging it doesn’t work. 

OT – I’m slowly getting my groove back towards weight loss.  The show The Walking Dead is helping with that.  We’ve signed up for Netflix and now I mostly limit my Walking Dead watching to when I’m working out, thus motivating me to get on the treadmill.  Whatever works I guess.  We’ve also been pretty good about eating healthy too.  

#154 Polypectomy (11/19/12)

On Thursday I had the surgery to remove the polyp.  Barring almost getting sent for a mammogram, (Patient mix-up) everything went well.  While getting checked in, the nurse informed me that I needed to take a pregnancy test.  They failed to let me know beforehand, I had just peed, so I tried to say I didn’t need one.  I said “there was no way I was pregnant because I hadn’t had sex with a man in over 5 years.”  She then said “I’m Sorry.” As if to say I hadn’t been in a relationship for that long.  I then went on to explain that the person next to me was my WIFE, and this surgery was part of the journey in order to get pregnant.  She then went to her higher up person to ask, the answer was I still had to pee in a cup.  I told them they would have to wait until I had to pee again.  It wasn’t a huge surprise, my first BFN. At least it wasn’t the full TWW before that test. 

There were many stages to the day; mostly from one nursing station to the next.  Once I got escorted to the surgery ward we got to meet the anesthesiologist, the intern and talk with my surgeon.  I walked right into the operating theatre suite.  Once I was situated on the table, the surgeon went over what he was going to do to me; which was a good thing seeing the mammogram mix up almost happened, this gave me the extra piece of mind that he was doing the right surgery.  Shortly after that, I was out via IV sedation.  I do remember waking up during surgery and saying, “That is a bit painful”.  They must have given more sedation, as that was all I remember. 

Post surgery, the hand written note from my doctor was “The polyp was removed.  J”.  While in the one hour wait post waking up the nurse was talking about pain management.  She was saying I could take, to Advil, then in two hours I could take two Tylenol, then after the next two hours I could take Advil again, and repeat that rotation.  That was in fair shock, as I didn’t think there would be that much pain that required that much management.  All in all I took one Advil when I got home to help with the cramps, and that was it.  There was some discomfort, but I didn’t want to over medicate so I could monitor if things were getting better or worse.  The cramps followed for a couple days afterwards, minimally.  But at least the oven is clean to put a bun in it to start baking. 

I need to go for a follow up appointment in four weeks.  Then we will begin the wait for my first cycle that we will be able to inseminate, which looks like the end of January due to the clinic closure for Christmas. 

My wife pampered me all day and night.  It was a great “Sherpa” training day.  I came across that term reading the linked blog.  I liked it and so did Deb, so we have agreed to use that term Sherpa to the Non Bio Mom when one of us is pregnant.  I’m lucky to have such a wonderful wife. 

This is a picture of me being wheeled out to the car by my Sherpa. 

#153 Update in General (11/08/12)

Well, I was right, I didn’t get in and out of IM appointment as quickly as last time.  I got in to see the nurse right away, but then was waiting for the doctor for two hours.  Apparently the doctor I was supposed to see got snowed in, so he was filling in.  He said I was a low risk patient for surgery next week.  That is good news, nothing I didn’t know though.  As a precaution he might order a nebulizer before surgery to make sure my asthma is calm.  Not a bad idea, so that at least made it a little worthwhile for an appointment. 

While I had someone, I asked him about weight loss and nutrition.  He in general said to go to a nutritionist, as he didn’t want to give me bad advice.  So I did say what we were doing for Carb/Protien/Fat proportions, and asked where squashes fell in the vegetable category ie potatoes > broccoli.  It is somewhere in the middle, which is what I had figured.  Overall, our diet plan is pretty good, from what he was saying.  The problem is sticking to the plan. 

As far as our “diet” is going, the past few months have been a valley of denial.  Not going completely off the rail, but we’re not really making progress either.  My wife stopped logging onto MFP a while ago now.  Without her doing it along side, I’ve been lazy with my logging, and not doing it to the extent it should be done, as well as missing days entirely. 

I’ve stopped walking at lunch, even before the snow arrived.  The main reason was sweat.  The more I walked, the more I wanted to walk.  That is great in theory.  The downside to this is; it is a break at work, and the first place I sweat is my head.  My hair was beginning to look pretty slick in the afternoons.  Yuck.  The doctor gave me an idea though.  Nearing the end of the day, go up and down the flight of stairs in our building a few times.  It is only a few minutes of workout, but it is more calories burned than walking, and it is at the end of the day, so I wouldn’t need to worry as much about the sweat in my hair.  So I’m hoping to get that into action, maybe even today.  I say this as I snack on Kellogg’s Krave cereal, with 0 nutritional value, other than “fortified vitamins” I’m sure, as an after lunch snack.  It is a good think I only have a measured portion of this, as this cereal is a very moreish item.  If left unchecked I’m sure I would eat the entire box.  Alas, I think we will buy these anymore once the box is done. 

 

On the hopefully up side of our diet, we have purchased a book; A Year Full of Recipes.   So far this is inspiring us to cook from scratch, thus having less processed foods.  With some modifications to reduce oil used and various spices we don’t care for, these recipes have been a hit, and most meals being between 300-500 calories with sides on the recipe.  My wife has been doing the cooking so far, which is a lovely thing for her to do.  They are very filling dinners that are fairly nutritionally balanced, without overdoing it on the calories.  Yes they have some deserts, and we will probably make them, but the idea is only have deserts once/twice a week, instead of every day, which is a routine we have fallen into, even if they are small desserts.

 

I hope this meeting with the doctor is enough to help get me started again, be more focused on losing weight, while I have the time, before I try to get pregnant.  In the past year, since we bought the Wii Fit, I have lost about 12 pounds.  That is one pound a month.  This is not a large progress, but it is solid progress in my eyes.  We’ve made small changes here and there, but seem to lack the combination of using the small changes together to make a larger difference.  Hopefully over the next year we can work on that.  The one thing is though, we have been at this a year.  We haven’t been 100% goal oriented, but have majority kept going, kept plugging away.  I think this is the longest period of time where weight management has been at least remotely on my mind.  Some things have taken the focus off, Deb quitting smoking, going on a vacation, clearing a hoarder house, and a cruise full of buffets, but we have kept going and kept most of the weight loss off, so now is a time to start going down again. 

Everything in life has peaks and valleys, but at least life isn’t flat and boring.  

Sorry for the long winded post, just a lot to say today I guess.

#151 Anesthesiologist Appointment (11/02/12)

Well, as part of my TTC journey, I had my anesthesiologist appointment yesterday.  When the nurse was making the appointment with me she warned me to bring water, snacks, and something to read, the appointments would take at least 2-3 hours.  Being I didn’t want to pay for outrageous hospital parking I had arranged to have my MIL to drop me off and pick me up when I was done.  I had also booked the afternoon off work.  My baggage carrying into this appointment was fairly large, I had a big bag of all my medications, and vitamins, with a bottle of water.  Then I had my large purse with a variety of snacks stuffed into it.  Then I had the big book “What to Expect When Your Expecting” by Heidi Murkoff, Sharon Mazel.  (On a side note, I have been told it is not a kind book to people who are overweight, so I’m trying to take any negativity with a grain of salt, and doing a slight skim read instead of reading word for word.  So far it has been worth the read.) and of course a travel coffee mug.  When a hospital says the appointment is going to be 2-3 hours I was ready for longer. 

The appointment was to consist of and EKG, nurse consult, anesthesiologist consult and chest x-ray.  The estimated time waiting was I think because you are forever waiting for the appointment to start on time, then the next person, move to next area and wait, and repeat. 

This is how the appointment ended up going.  Traffic was good, so I was about 15 minutes early.  When I went up to the admissions desk, they thought I was someone else, which had been late.  Because the earlier appointment was late or a no-show, and I was early they put me in that slot.  So I was escorted into the exam room right away by the nurse consultant.  I got my bags put down, and the EKG technician came in right away to do that first.  That was very quick, and unofficially looked good, yay.  The nurse stayed in the room, so once I was done the EKG I sat with her, went over my medications and medical history.  She also took my blood pressure, which was a little high, but we were talking about babies and TTC, so I chalk it up to that, but I think my blood pressure might be something to keep an eye on.  Not good.  Once the consultation was done with her she left the room saying the doctor would be in soon, which I took as I would be waiting for a while.  I read less than two pages in the book and the doctor came in.  We went over my anesthetic options for surgery; she asked a few health questions; then instructed me to go back to the front desk to get my x-ray form and go over to the emergency wing of the hospital to get to imaging diagnostics.  So I did just that. 

Once at the diagnostics area, I handed the form to the front desk, which she then instructed me to have a seat in the waiting room.  I was the only person there.  About a minute later I get called by the x-ray technician to get changed into a very fashionable hospital gown.  Once I was changed I went right in, had two x-rays, and left.  The whole series of events took a little less than 45 minutes.  The down side, I had to go back to work, the up side, I have no red flags for surgery in two weeks.  Yay.

#150 Body getting ready? (10/23/12)

Lately my body is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms of being pregnant; heart burn to the point of reflux, constipation, mood swings at odd points, yesterday I went from Happy, to irritable, to screaming at dropped pumpkin bags, to sad, to mellow in a matter of hours.  Is this my body’s way of saying “are you sure you want to do this for nine months?” or is my body wanting to get pregnant so bad it is trying to be ready? Or are there things in the supreme prenatal vitamins that do this to a person?  Or are the vitamins countering the synthroid I’m on? Was yesterday’s mood swing a delay on menstrual hormones? Or a combination of the above.  Pregnancy is going to be a roller coaster for me and my Sherpa (my wife who will be my helper while pregnant; inspired by 2 Moms – It Can Be Done.) Maybe it is my body’s way of preparing me for the dreaded/anticipated TWW, so I don’t stress over every symptom thinking “Am I pregnant?” because I’ve had these leading up to the first IUI, then I just need to wait Patiently for a BFP. 

On a side note, from my previous post, the friend in my previous post, was having her first when my wife and I were discussing what needed to happen before we started the TTC journey.  Now she is all ready on her second.  It's a little aggravating the hoops we, as lesbians, need to go through to even start trying.  I thought my wife was jumping the gun a little when she mentioned we should get the ball rolling earlier this year, but we did, and now we are all ready behind on our planned schedule starting because of my polyp.  I guess I’m feeling the frustration, aggravation, annoyance, and sadness with the process. 

#147 Trying to Conceive (10/16/12)

Since switching over to blogspot, I have been reading a few other blogs of lesbians trying to conceive, most of which were from some years past and now have children a year or more old.  Most of them have been great for me to get a better idea of what to expect and to be able to get more of the desire to be pregnant, not just wanting children.  (I found it weird to think of a baby growing inside; it wasn’t on my bucket list really, before reading a few blogs.) And reading of the babies’ first year let me glimpse into what life may look like and see what the reward is.  I haven’t really been around too many babies or children for that matter; so the concept was still a LOT foreign to me.  But the desire to have a family with my wife was strong. 

Our plan to get to that point is the obvious for lesbians, IUI’s.  We are spend thrift, and can’t justify the long term costs of keep going until you get pregnant, no matter the costs, when there are children that need homes via adoption. The downside to adoption is it can take a very long time, especially  with wanted a newborn, and more countries having restrictions on gay couple.  Plus we would like to at least try to have one of our own.  So we came up with the plan of try for me to get pregnant three times, if no avail, we will then try to get my wife pregnant three times.  If still no one is pregnant, we will go the adoption route.  Now, reading more blogs and seeing that trying for 6 months and still no pregnancy is almost a normal.  I am worried our efforts will be in vain.  We are always planning for getting pregnant fairly quickly; as it seems our life doesn’t take the slow road for much, while still knowing it may not happen that way.  Reading another blog today whose journey was long, but just reached the 6 month mark of IUI’s, it hit a little harder.  Will I get to my three month mark and be devastated that I was unable to get pregnant?  Will I want to keep trying?  Or will I pass the baton to my wife gladly?  End result we would like to children from the same donor.  If I fail at the first three attempts, we may not get that. Three attempts seems a minuscule amount of time in most TTC journeys. 

I guess we are hoping to be part of the small fraction of couples that are lucky enough to get pregnant quickly; otherwise it will be Three Strikes, You’re Out.  The phrase third time’s a charm comes from somewhere.

Yikes, I’m having these worries and we haven’t even gotten to IUI #1.  Only time will tell what happens

#141 Meltdown (10/01/12)

This weekend was a gong show.  The panicle of this weekend that is making me write is my motorcycle, and my wife’s.  As mentioned, what seems like ages ago, we are thinking of selling them.  I have resigned myself that selling them is a huge benefit, financially, plus the fact my wife doesn’t like riding because her hand’s fall asleep, which isn’t safe, and I agree.  In addition, now that we travel together, and I don’t pass out as the passenger by the time we hit city limits, I enjoy riding in a car with her and just enjoying our time together talking.

We were moving them from our garage, to the shed, for winter storage, and taking photos to be able to list them on Kijiji, on the off chance we can sell them before winter.  I hit chemical meltdown, downright bawling.  Not conducive to getting work done.  What hold do these bikes have on me?  I don’t have a clue.  There are multiple theories on this, that I have come up with, but none seem to hit the nail on the head, so to speak.  (I can’t even blame PMS.) 

Today at work, I was still an emotional mess, and I don’t know what I need to do.  My wife is at a loss on how to console me.  She isn’t making me sell, or even suggesting it, because when it comes up, I melt down. 

This weekend, I went back into Dos-derland.  I’m in the process of re-losing the weight I had gained in August/September.  I should be happy I’m back on the path to weight loss, but it seems I still have so far to go to get where I was.  Did I gain some weight, but lose a different pound that was tied to more emotional baggage I didn’t know was there?  At this point, I don’t think the motorcycles are the only reason I’m still blue.

Right now, I do want to give up on the weight loss journey, carry on with trying to get pregnant, I’m going to gain all the weight back anyways, and take this body as is; broken through its original packaging, and never going to be in mint condition, (manufacture note: It has been slightly damaged right from the start. )

This blog is keeping me going though, I’m still writing to save my life.  I wasn’t going to post any of this, but in the end, obviously as you are reading this, decided I should.  This is just one of the hard points that I need to work through for this very long journey. 

Maybe I’m just overworked, overtired, and stressed, and this is the manifestation.  There needs to be balance between work and relaxation, maybe I need to bring the balance back to my life, and the motorcycles represent a time in my life where my to-do list was short, and my relaxation time was in abundance.  Right now, my to-do list is a mile long spreadsheet and days off seem to be getting fewer and farther between.  It is my fault for letting it get this way, and it is my responsibility to get the balance back. 

In the film industry, I used to work very hard for periods of time, and then get a month or so off as my relaxation time.  That was my balance.  The down side was, I didn’t know when the next job was coming, which after a month or two of down time, it turned into stress.  This is why I started working at my current job.  It is full time, year round, with moderate pay.  It is my first full time, permanent job, in a roundabout way.  I guess I just need to learn to live this new life, in balance, without having to take extra vacations, just to get away from the to-do lists. 

Or maybe I just need to eat better.  This weekend, my eating habits included Pizza and Chinese food, not good for the diet, but maybe even worse for my mood. 

Amendment:  October 3^rd, 2012.  Or maybe I was coming down with a bug.  The past two days I have been sick; lost 5 pounds in 2 days.  I think Sunday/Monday’s emotional breakdown was a cumulative of all of the above. 

As far as the photo challenge, I think I will just continue on tonight with #3.  :D  Got to keep trying. 

#132 My thoughts about getting Pregnant (09/20/12)

Well, today my wife was trying to get caught up with my blog.  She came across this post Pinnacle Pregnancy Point.  The main comment was about

Today is the day I find out if my body is ready for me to become a mom.  (My mind is still in debate.) 

She was worried I am not on board with the pregnancy any more.  That I had kind of gotten on the pregnancy train, and now I couldn’t get off.  That isn’t quite what I had meant. 

Am I worried about getting pregnant; yes.

Do I still want to get pregnant; yes. 

You can see the debate that happens in my head which prompted the sentence above.

One fear I have about becoming pregnant is gaining too much weight and ending up on bed rest because my body won’t support the extra weight.  That is the one fear that is above and beyond the usual pregnancy fears of miscarriage, diabetes, birth defects, not being able to get pregnant, toxaemia, Crohn’s flaring up, asthma getting worse, allergies getting worse (the last bunch, I’m hoping it follows other trend of getting better.) and the dreaded morning sickness.  My stomach used to be fairly iron clad, used to take a LOT to get me to puke; now I get queasy a lot quicker.  We have a few pregnancy books, which I’m sure will instill a few more fears, but I still want to do this.  

I will admit, reading the blogs that I have, has helped get over the initial fear of even trying, and seeing the end result as to why we do this. 

http://2-moms.blogspot.ca/

http://2momstobe.blogspot.ca/

Are two main ones I have read. 

The next fear is one, I hope most people share, “Will I be a good mom?”  My wife is sure I will be, and I’m positive she will be, but still worried I won’t be.  Not having maternal instincts kick in, not trusting what to do.  But the end argument is “you won’t know until you try.”

#131 Sperm Relief (09/17/12)

As mentioned before in #126, our sperm donor is no longer in the system.  I was getting very stressed over having enough chances to have two pregnancies.  Originally my wife and I said, we would try three times each to get pregnant, otherwise, we would adopt, thus in the end would need 6 vials from the same donor.  We didn’t purchase all at the same time, and should have. 

Today, I got an email from our sperm bank, leading me to believe we could buy more, but do it soon.  I thought there was some mass confusion on this, so I emailed back to double check. They responded there are the last 3 vials available; please respond soon as there are other clients interested in them.  I emailed and texted my wife urgent to call me to double check with her.  I have just placed the order to have the remaining three we wanted/needed.  That is a huge perfect birthday present for me.  I am just tearing up waiting for the response that the vials will be ours. 

There is always a chance that I won’t get pregnant in three tries, or my wife won’t get pregnant in three tries or we both could get pregnant on the first try and have extra, but then we are covered for more kids if needed.  Our original plan was to each try three goes and go from there.  We should have just stuck to that and purchased the 6 right off the bat.  But at least now, we have the “supplies” to follow our original plan. 

I guess now I need to book the acupuncture and massages to give things every chance they have. 

I just got the email from the bank.  The order has been placed and the sperm will be in transit to Canada.  They will hold at their location until we order a transfer to Calgary.  Woohoo.  My nerves are still a little bit on edge, until they get here and we have paid for them, but this has helped tremendously. 

#128 Timeline of IUI (09/11/12)

Well, it has been a fairly long journey to get to this point, and it is going to be a bit longer.  The trip started pretty much at the beginning of this year when my wife tried to quit smoking.  That took a few months, then testing for Rubella, and getting on the wait list for the fertility clinic.   It was about five months ago that we got the phone call about when we might get our first appointment.  After testing, purchasing sperm and more testing we now have a new timeline. 

The surgery to remove the polyp in my uterus is scheduled for mid November.  That is another two months away, then another cycle after that for our first attempt.  Late November would be my first ovulation after the surgery.  That is too early in my opinion, no healing time.  However the next ovulation would be over the Christmas/New Year period, which after reading a few other blogs, I’m not convinced our clinic will be open those days.  I’ve emailed the clinic to check. 

On the upside, that gives me more time to lose weight, on the downside, that is lessening the possibility of my Grandma flying over for the birth, even now that is a remote possibility.  My boss is happy of the delayed timeframe.  She is in slight denial that I would be leaving for maternity leave.    

As my other posts before this one, New Month, New Vigor or New Month, New Motivation, I need to kick up my weight loss again.  I don’t think I’m the only one that goes through this cycle of three steps forward and two steps backwards, or should I say three pounds lost, and two pounds gained.  As long as it doesn’t turn into two pounds lost and three gained, repeatedly it is still technically progress. 

So now I need to get rid of the cruise pounds, and continue on my weight loss lifestyle.  Going from full buffet for a week to normal is a hard transition.  I just had three cookies with Tea Tuesday.  Not a good diet choice.  Our vegetables haven’t been cut yet for our lunch salads either; Sunday had very good reasons, Monday medium good reason.  But tonight it is the night they have to get done.  I think my body is craving the veggies again. 

My current goal is to work out on Tuesdays and Thursdays, NO EXCUSES.  The closer I get to possible pregnancy the more worried I am that I will be put on bed rest because my body can’t support the weight of baby and pregnancy gain.  Well, today is Tuesday, and I have a million other things that need to be done, but I NEED to put working out in the top three. 

On the fertility goals, I have also put an email into our friend who is a Fertility Acupuncturist, who owns a clinic that focuses on Fertility, which also has massage, and chiropractic, along with a few other services. Currently I have three extended medical plans which has coverage for such things, and two of which have amounts that expire at the end of the year, thus, I might as well use them up.  So I am trying to be one relaxed cookie by the time I go for the first IUI treatment.  If only the plans also covered Manis/Pettis, that would be the ultimate relaxation day. 

#127 What would you tell yourself? (09/10/12)

I have been reading this blog Two Moms To Be.  On one of their earlier posts entitled What Would You Tell Your Pregnant Self.  The video is very precious and I thought it was worth sharing.  The video was found by Two Moms To Be on http://www.npr.org/blogs/babyproject/ . 

This link, I think is directly from YouTube. 

As a hopefully soon to be pregnant woman, this video was fantastic.  I appreciate any comments from moms to a person hoping to get pregnant soon. 

#126 Catch Up (09/10/12)

Well, it has been over a week since my last post.  First major concern, last Friday, I found out, or donor for sperm is no longer in the system, and may not have sperm available for second pregnancies.  We are now having regrets not purchasing the full six at the time of purchase.  Alas, all things happen for a reason.  We will see how things go.  But it was a shock to our planning.  We are soon going to blitz through the sperm banks again and look for CMV positive donors as well, as a possible to save the current purchased items for my wife who needs CMV negative.  There are multiple options, but while we have the subscriptions for full profiles, we might as well use it. 

For the past week my wife, my MIL and I have been on vacation.  We went on a Cruise to Alaska.  It was a fantastic experience.  I had been worried about sea sickness, as I’m very prone to motion sickness in general, and while in Mexico, on various excursions on boats, experienced it to a varying degree.  Alas, I had my herbal Gravol in my pocket and took it when needed and was good to go.  I’ll post a few more pictures in a few days, with a bit more detail of our trip.  But here is one of a bear crossing our pathway while at a park in Juneau, and a rainbow we saw while on our boat.

The cruise was a floating buffet, so it was hard not be eat a lot.  It was diet killing, but worth it, I think.  In the end, I gained about 6 pounds, hopefully I can burn then off quickly.  Not holding my breath though, but will be working on it diligently. 

It seems Sunday was a day of days.  We got off to a slow start to have a morning to relax, watch some TV and started laundry.  While we were going through flyers to make up our shopping list we got a call from my FIL.  My MIL had slipped in a grocery store and was being attended by EMS and would be taken to the hospital, he just didn’t know which one yet.  Thankfully nothing got broken, but did end up with a lot of pulled ligaments in the back/inside of her legs. 

In the evening, while I was trying to take out the food processor to cut celery and cucumber for lunches, I sliced my thumb pretty good.  I yelled out ouch, and my wife yelled if I was ok, from upstairs, and I said “Not really.”  I had managed to get to the sink before blood started flowing quickly, but couldn’t get anything to put over it to stop the bleeding.  She rushed in and handed me some paper towel to be able to get me to the first aid station in our house upstairs.  We were on the debate on stitches or not, but once my thumb was above my heart for a while it stopped bleeding, one trip to emergency in a family per day is plenty.  So she put on a make shift butterfly bandage and taped/splinted me up so I couldn’t move my thumb and bust open again.  By this time it was after 10:00 pm and we still hadn’t had dinner, my MIL didn’t want the casserole I had made, she only wanted mushroom soup, so we made her some, then dished out the casserole for the three of us and took the plates/bowls to their house. 

While we were there, MIL finally reached the point where she needed some pain killers.  She hates taking anything, even for a headache.  So my wife went to our house to get something for her.  While there she let out the dogs for a quick run outside.  When she went to let them in something happened.  And this part is a good chuckle, only because he is ok.  My dog Tuffy was running full board into the house, but he missed the first step by a hair and ran straight into the slate riser.  It resulted in a temporary TKO (Total Knock Out).  My wife said Eep, and while she was wondering what to do, he regained consciousness.  He was a little wobbly for a bit, but seemed fine otherwise.  The story reminds me of a Tom and Jerry cartoon, so I have to chuckle. 

Now we are finally back on track, ready to work off the cruise pounds and process crab apple trees, browse sperm, and follow up when my Polyp surgery is.  Never a moment to say, what should we do today, there is always a long list of things to keep us busy.