#167 CD15 (01/18/13)

Well, I have peed on a lot of sticks.  Thursday morning the lines were lighter but still there; still a big NO from First Response.  I even started also peeing on Clear Blue.  They had a faint line yesterday but still not strong enough to call the clinic.  Today the lines were almost nonexistent, and spin (EWSM) is gone, however, I haven’t had a spike yet in temp.  I called the clinic and left a message and explained everything.  I’ll see what they say, but I’m sure we have missed our window. 

Now I’m border-line crying.  We have been waiting and waiting for so long and we thought this would be the month for first try.  Just to miss it, and have to wait again. 

With the emotions pouring, I now want comfort food; greasy, salty, sweet food; pizza, chocolate, cheesecake, brownies, caramel popcorn, cookies, everything.  It is going to take some serious will power to get through this one.  

PS:  I’m trying to keep in mind everything happens for a reason. 

#141 Meltdown (10/01/12)

This weekend was a gong show.  The panicle of this weekend that is making me write is my motorcycle, and my wife’s.  As mentioned, what seems like ages ago, we are thinking of selling them.  I have resigned myself that selling them is a huge benefit, financially, plus the fact my wife doesn’t like riding because her hand’s fall asleep, which isn’t safe, and I agree.  In addition, now that we travel together, and I don’t pass out as the passenger by the time we hit city limits, I enjoy riding in a car with her and just enjoying our time together talking.

We were moving them from our garage, to the shed, for winter storage, and taking photos to be able to list them on Kijiji, on the off chance we can sell them before winter.  I hit chemical meltdown, downright bawling.  Not conducive to getting work done.  What hold do these bikes have on me?  I don’t have a clue.  There are multiple theories on this, that I have come up with, but none seem to hit the nail on the head, so to speak.  (I can’t even blame PMS.) 

Today at work, I was still an emotional mess, and I don’t know what I need to do.  My wife is at a loss on how to console me.  She isn’t making me sell, or even suggesting it, because when it comes up, I melt down. 

This weekend, I went back into Dos-derland.  I’m in the process of re-losing the weight I had gained in August/September.  I should be happy I’m back on the path to weight loss, but it seems I still have so far to go to get where I was.  Did I gain some weight, but lose a different pound that was tied to more emotional baggage I didn’t know was there?  At this point, I don’t think the motorcycles are the only reason I’m still blue.

Right now, I do want to give up on the weight loss journey, carry on with trying to get pregnant, I’m going to gain all the weight back anyways, and take this body as is; broken through its original packaging, and never going to be in mint condition, (manufacture note: It has been slightly damaged right from the start. )

This blog is keeping me going though, I’m still writing to save my life.  I wasn’t going to post any of this, but in the end, obviously as you are reading this, decided I should.  This is just one of the hard points that I need to work through for this very long journey. 

Maybe I’m just overworked, overtired, and stressed, and this is the manifestation.  There needs to be balance between work and relaxation, maybe I need to bring the balance back to my life, and the motorcycles represent a time in my life where my to-do list was short, and my relaxation time was in abundance.  Right now, my to-do list is a mile long spreadsheet and days off seem to be getting fewer and farther between.  It is my fault for letting it get this way, and it is my responsibility to get the balance back. 

In the film industry, I used to work very hard for periods of time, and then get a month or so off as my relaxation time.  That was my balance.  The down side was, I didn’t know when the next job was coming, which after a month or two of down time, it turned into stress.  This is why I started working at my current job.  It is full time, year round, with moderate pay.  It is my first full time, permanent job, in a roundabout way.  I guess I just need to learn to live this new life, in balance, without having to take extra vacations, just to get away from the to-do lists. 

Or maybe I just need to eat better.  This weekend, my eating habits included Pizza and Chinese food, not good for the diet, but maybe even worse for my mood. 

Amendment:  October 3^rd, 2012.  Or maybe I was coming down with a bug.  The past two days I have been sick; lost 5 pounds in 2 days.  I think Sunday/Monday’s emotional breakdown was a cumulative of all of the above. 

As far as the photo challenge, I think I will just continue on tonight with #3.  :D  Got to keep trying. 

#132 My thoughts about getting Pregnant (09/20/12)

Well, today my wife was trying to get caught up with my blog.  She came across this post Pinnacle Pregnancy Point.  The main comment was about

Today is the day I find out if my body is ready for me to become a mom.  (My mind is still in debate.) 

She was worried I am not on board with the pregnancy any more.  That I had kind of gotten on the pregnancy train, and now I couldn’t get off.  That isn’t quite what I had meant. 

Am I worried about getting pregnant; yes.

Do I still want to get pregnant; yes. 

You can see the debate that happens in my head which prompted the sentence above.

One fear I have about becoming pregnant is gaining too much weight and ending up on bed rest because my body won’t support the extra weight.  That is the one fear that is above and beyond the usual pregnancy fears of miscarriage, diabetes, birth defects, not being able to get pregnant, toxaemia, Crohn’s flaring up, asthma getting worse, allergies getting worse (the last bunch, I’m hoping it follows other trend of getting better.) and the dreaded morning sickness.  My stomach used to be fairly iron clad, used to take a LOT to get me to puke; now I get queasy a lot quicker.  We have a few pregnancy books, which I’m sure will instill a few more fears, but I still want to do this.  

I will admit, reading the blogs that I have, has helped get over the initial fear of even trying, and seeing the end result as to why we do this. 

http://2-moms.blogspot.ca/

http://2momstobe.blogspot.ca/

Are two main ones I have read. 

The next fear is one, I hope most people share, “Will I be a good mom?”  My wife is sure I will be, and I’m positive she will be, but still worried I won’t be.  Not having maternal instincts kick in, not trusting what to do.  But the end argument is “you won’t know until you try.”

#119 Too Much (08/21/12)

Do you ever feel like there is just too much going on?  Like you are juggling and you start with one ball, then add another, and anther.  Three balls not too bad, but then more keep coming, you keep adding to the circle of balls you are juggling until you feel if anything else comes at you everything will come crashing down. 

Crohn’s is somewhat new to my life.  My mom lived with it from her 20’s and in the end died from a spinoff of the disease.  It is funny though, it never seemed to be a topic of discussion in our house growing up.  I knew she didn’t eat green vegetables as they hurt her stomach, and a few other things here and there.  She occasionally had to have Boost meal drinks on top of her meals to help boost her calories.  Over the years she had multiple surgeries to remove pieces of her intestine.  I’m pretty sure she was on prentizone to help manage the crohn’s.  Even though I lived with someone majorly affected by crohn’s all of my juvenile life, I don’t know much about the disease, probably more than the general population, but not much.  Now that I have it, (one juggle), my Virgo self needs to research it (two juggle). 

In the attempt to lose weight (three juggle) in order to get pregnant (four juggle) my wife and I are eating healthy, which is helping for the diet requirement for Crohn’s which was suggested, basically eat from the Canada Food Guide, and minimize animal fats. Originally I didn’t think that was much of an issue, but my wife brought up the question “Does that include dairy and eggs?”  In our house that is a major source of protein. Thus we may have possible major changes in diet (five juggle), but at the very lease tracking my diet through My Fitness Pal back to a higher degree of accuracy to get a better view of my macros, including the vitamins I take to make sure I’m getting the nutrients I need, especially for when I’m pregnant.

Also along the trying to get pregnant list, the polyp is the next issue (six juggle). Not a major thing (hopefully), but still something bugging my noodle. 

Then we have the general living category, learning to can fruit and deal with a mass harvest (seven juggle).  My job, thankfully isn’t that stressful, but does occupy a fair amount of my day (eight juggle), preparing the house for before I get pregnant (pre nesting), like personalizing the master bedroom (nine) organizing our storage (ten), clearing out non essentials to make room for baby stuff (eleven), preparing for the cruise (twelve).  That is a dozen things up in the air right now, some more stressful than others; the last one a good one, but we’ve never been on a cruise so I don’t know what to prep for. This is all stuff that is either a have to deal with or really want to deal with but I’m feeling very overwhelmed.  I just feel I could sleep for a week to let things settle in my head then have a game plan.  But for the most part, everything is happening as it happens.  As long as the dozen juggles doesn’t turn into a baker’s dozen before the cruise, I think the cruise will give me the much needed rest from the regular day to day to come back with Vim and Vigor to attack the next thing that needs to be dealt with.

#117 Crohns Diagnosis (08/20/12)

Well, today was the day.  I went for my follow up with the gastrologist regarding crohns.  This was part of my “So close, yet so far” post.   The good news is this shouldn’t affect my pregnancy.  The bad news is I have been diagnosed with Crohns.  Because of family history the minor issues have been treated seriously and testing was put through instead of put off.  It is because of the cautiousness of my doctor, it has been caught very early.  Right now there is just a small section of my small intestine that is slightly inflamed, and my blood levels are just a bit out of the normal. 

This news was a big of a blow, but not quite unexpected.  Today I will be picking up my first prescription of the first level medications for treatment/maintenance of crohns.  This medication, or a variation there of, I will probably be on for the rest of my life (or until possible cure in the future, but that is currently in dream stage).  The first level medications are a Class B, which is relatively safe to take during pregnancy.  This will hopefully reduce the inflammation, and keep my stomach in line for a long time, including in pregnancy.  The possible scary thing is, for people that get pregnant, one in three that have stomach issues will get worse during pregnancy or afterwards, if not in control of the issue in advance.  My doctor didn’t seem too concerned though because it has been caught early and isn’t doing any over and above damage, currently.  In this case, the sooner I get pregnant the better, before the disease has a chance to get worse (hopefully, if, not when). 

So, the next possible road block I need to handle before trying to get pregnant is the polyp.  Today is my day 1 of my cycle, which is right on schedule, so I will be having my SHG in the next 6-10 days to see what, if anything, needs to be done.

#116 Donor Update and Random Thoughts (08/16/12)

Our choice donor has had 34 babies, as mentioned before.  The new information is 18 of them are girls and 16 are boys.  So a pretty even split gender-wise.  Also, the other news is, only one set of twins.  The twins are probably due to fertility drugs of IVF, thus this may help my twin thoughts calm down a little. 

Yesterday, due to the doctor update, it seemed old habits die hard.  I stress ate a lot of food during the day, and had a non healthy dinner.  It was only by luck that we ran out of time to be able to have desert.  Over eating, under watering, and bloating starting, the weigh in tomorrow isn’t going to be good. 

My wife thinks I write too much, but for me it is like being able to catch thoughts before they are gone, as well as articulate my thoughts, as verbally, I don’t do well.  Even after I’ve written about my thoughts, if you ask me to tell you about them, they are ether gone, unless I read them, or I just can’t really tell you without referring to my notes as such.  I would make a horrible public speaker. 

I’m doing better in general about the stress of the doctor follow up on Monday.  Still a little stressed though.  At least we are doing something about the problem instead of ignoring it.  As for the pain in my leg, I am coming to think, somehow, it may be tired to period related symptoms.  I’m going to monitor the frequency, and what not over the next few months and figure out what it may be tied to.  We have ruled out Sciatica in the past with back X-Rays.  Might still be the end result and not quite caught on the x-rays, but I’ll see if I can track the pain and when it is worse and better. 

#72 Over my fears, and finally in Dos-derland (06/11/12)

Last week I was stressing myself out about not losing anything again on the weekend weigh in.  Finally the stress was unfounded.  I lost 2.8 pounds.  It seems like a lot in a week, but if you average it over the three weeks I’ve gained and lost nothing then that is .9 per week which is a good average.  It was a huge stress lifted from my wife and myself when we saw the scales Saturday morning. 

Stress is a funny thing.  The more you stress over something the worse it gets and you stress more.  That in turn makes your body unstable and not want to do what it is told, so to speak, ie lose weight.  Deficit of calories should technically equal weight loss, but when stress has taken over your body, it may not happen.  It is a vicious cycle. 

Alas, I am finally in the (high) 200.  I had racked my brain to come up with something equivalent to “One-derland” when a person hits the 100’s.  Alas, Twoderland doesn’t work as well, and Tonnederland gives the thought of heavy instead of lighter.  Maybe I’ll go with Dos-derland, (Spanish 2).  Now that I’m here, I am finally able to come up with something.  It is only 10 pounds in, but worth having a name for it.  I will be in Dos-derland for a long time before striving for One-derland, but as long as I keep going never to see the three hundreds again it is worth celebrating.  I am confident those 10 pounds are off for good. 

It has taken 84 days to get to this point.  I’m hoping the next 10 is a quicker celebration.  If it isn’t, as long as it gets here, I’m doing all right.  Getting to and through Dos-derland is kind of like a 12 step program, one step to get there, which will be a lot of mental stress, the ten steps for each ten pounds off celebrated, then one last leap to leave Dos-derland into One-derland.  It is going to be an incredible journey. 

              

One more celebration about last week, I topped my steps for a week by 10,000.  My last best was 43,082.  Last week, I managed to get in 53,179.  I’m getting better at Ninja Steps.  Let’s see if I can reach 57,000 this week. 

#69 Motorcycles (06/07/12)

This is non food related.  There seems to be a fairly touchy subject in my life; my wife selling her motorcycle.  The first time she brought it up, instant full out bawling from me.  We talked it over a bit and yes, we don’t have time to ride as much as I would like, and she isn’t comfortable on the bike anymore.  She used to ride, years ago before we met, but hasn’t ridden in a lot of year.  We haven’t touched much on the subject of selling since, other than an occasional offhand comment from her.  Each time she mentioned it, it’s like my heart is being pulled out.  I don’t know why. 

Logically it makes sense to sell the bike.  It isn’t getting used, and this summer doesn’t look too promising.  Plus if my wife isn’t comfortable on the bike then she isn’t enjoying riding, which is the entire point of having one.  So getting some money out of the bike before it gets any older makes sense, logically.  My heart has a different opinion.

Today, once again she hinted at the subject.  It instantly took me from being in a pretty good mood, to almost crying at work.  Other than ideals about going for weekend road trips together and having a romantic weekend, I don’t know why I’m so attached to her having a bike.  Realistically we can’t do weekend rides, we have dogs that need attending to.  This next year we are looking to get pregnant, which isn’t conducive to riding a motorcycle. 

I love to ride, but I’m not even getting out as much as I should to warrant having a bike.  From where I live it is a ways away to get to good riding roads.  Most roads around here are straight and flat.  BORING.  However just being on the bike is relaxing, so I should try and get out more. 

The question today is, why is letting go of my wife having a bike, (note, we don’t have any major memories of us riding together) so hard?

#68 Writing....To save my life? (06/06/12)

The past couple days I’ve been wondering if I should bother writing my blog.  Due to the lack of progress in weight loss I’ve been in a slight funk.  The fact that I only have three people reading, I was almost saying why bother writing.  An email from Dharma (thanks Dharma for the encouragement) kept me coming back, but I was lacking the passion to write.  I had hit a dead zone kind of. 

However, on the flip side of things; I have three people (usually) reading my blog myself, Dharma and Partschick (my wife).  That is more than the one person and doing it just for me.  The email from Dharma was a nice reminder that it isn’t just me going through these things. 

Now that I’m slightly coming out of that funk, I realize how much the blog helps me, the most important reason I am doing this.  If I wasn’t writing and logging my food with some encouragement from my MFP pals I truly believe I would have quit ages ago.  Having a record of my thoughts is important to me, to keep me going, through the good moments, and especially the bad.  There are many ups and a lot of downs.  This isn’t a journey that promises smooth sailing. 

My weight loss is a journey to save my life.  Being morbidly obese is not healthy and will take me to an early grave.  It is not a might, it is a fact.  In order to avoid this early trip to bed with the worms I have to change my life. 

My weight loss is also a journey to create another life.  Being morbidly obese makes getting pregnant more difficult.  So the more weight I lose before going to the clinic the better.  Unfortunately my wife and I won’t have an OOP’s we got pregnant, we are having to work on it, so I’m hoping to lose as much as I can before I get my first appointment. 

By having a blog to record small steps and remember them is what is keeping me going.  I realized today how when I’m not in a funk, when I’m writing, it is like it has to come out of me.  Maybe it is a way for my body to communicate with me without my brain distorting the truth.  Then I can reflect on what I have written and see where I am, and where I have been, and where I need to go.  My voice seems to come out of my finger tips a lot better than in real life.

Many small steps will get us to our long term goals.  This journey will not be one gigantic leap.  Having the patience to last through all the small steps, even the ones going backwards, is a virtue we all need to learn. 

So in a way writing this blog is saving my life.  It keeps me going, it acts as a reminder, and it is a record of where I was, and what I was thinking.  So when I get to the end of my journey at a healthy weight, whatever that magic number is, however many years it takes, I will be able to go back to what I wrote to keep me from going back to where I was, where I am now.  I just have to remember this journey is measured in years, not days or months.  It is years now to lose the weight, and years will be added to my life, both measured in experiences because I am healthy enough to do things I want to do, and the longevity of my lifetime. 

#58 Am I losing my mind (05/25/12)

I’m eating my usual salad, and the cauliflower reminds me of peanuts. 

Today has been very stressful.  I was waiting for results on a purchase.  Surprise (sarcastic), it got delayed and added road blocks.  Because I used to turn to food during stress, I’m now trying to avoid it. 

Today I think I left eating too long.  The start of a migraine was peaking through, my stomach was growling and Snicker Joe was starting to rear his ugly head.  On top of that I’m a little extra emotional due to TOM.  By the time I started to have lunch I was boarder line crying, or wanted to throw my monitor across the room.  I didn’t think that would go to well, seeing my review is next week.  I was afraid to start the eating process to not have to fight stopping eating.  But I was so angry and sad with a headache; I decided to start to eat.  The emotions are just starting to fade, as I finish the salad, and surprisingly I do currently not want to eat more.  It is actually the opposite, I hate that I had to eat in the first place to feel less edgy. 

When did food go from a source of comfort to hatred?  I’m sure this will pass; it is just annoying at the moment.  Hopefully soon I will have balance towards food in general. 

#45 Bad Diet History (05/08/12)

Today I read a small blog about bulimia.  It got me thinking about my dieting past, when I was much younger.  There was one point I can remember, I can’t remember how old I was, but I don’t think I was much older than 11-12.  Easter chocolate had been my overindulgence, and I figured, “Why not just throw it up, other people do.”  So I did.  Once I was done my thoughts were “What a waste of food.”  Also with it being a first time, it wasn’t that easy so I didn’t really feel any better than I had before. 

Near the end of high school, I tried “anorexia”.  That didn’t go well either.  Going from over eating to starving constantly, I immediately turned into insta-bitch.  Even I noticed, and the “empty” feeling didn’t quite give me any satisfaction at the time, so that didn’t last. 

One day in college, I wasn’t feeling well.  To the point that I figured throwing up was the best option.  I was in the ladies room and someone overheard me having difficulties evacuating my stomach.  Through the stall wall she offhandedly said “Have a glass of water, it makes it easier,” then left the washroom.  That person recognized what I was doing and instead of saying “Are you ok?” or something like that; she instead tried to tell me how to make a bad habit easier.  To this day I don’t know who that was, but I imagine she was a person who was fully bulimic and didn’t see it as abnormal. 

Where would I be today if there had been someone listening to my Easter incident and given me the tips then?  At that age I would have been easily coerced and thought that was okay.   I can pinpoint a few times in my life where if the college incident had happened at that time, I could have easily gone into a downward spiral.  Throughout high school I watched many MOW’s about anorexia and bulimia as if to pinpoint the payoff.  Try and figure out why people did it.  Try and give myself an excuse to say, “Okay, I think I should do that.”  However, the MOW’s did do their job and educated me against going down that road. 

In my adulthood, I learned that one of my friends in high school struggled with bulimia.  Had I known I don’t know if I would have been talking her out of it, or joining her. 

From the MOW’s many of them said anorexia/bulimia are a lot about control.  A lot in the exterior of their life is out of their control.  Food is the one thing they can and everything spirals from there.  Maybe some people that are overweight are getting there because of control issues too.  Not in consciousness did I realize, it is just now that I am analyzing things that I am maybe making this connection.  My BIG weight gain happened during my first marriage.  Was I subconsciously trying to gain weight so he would leave me?  Early on in dating my second spouse, was I so happy that I was trying to get my wife to gain weight with me so she didn’t trade me in? 

Now that I have balance in the rest of my life, I am taking control of my hidden control issues.  I am tackling weight loss in a healthy way.  I have tried to research most aspects and will continue to do so as I go along this journey.  Never again will I starve myself, consider bulimia, or constantly stuff myself to full at each dinner.  The right way (hopefully) is right down the middle, enjoy food in small quantity, but not so small my body isn’t getting the nutrients it needs.  Get Healthy, both in body and mind. 

#27 Thirty-One Days of logging & blog review.

Well, I have been logging my food for 31 days; a full, unbroken calendar month.  I have also been blogging for almost as long.  I think I need to do a review and a few updates with the month, and the posts. 

First off, overall, the past month has been a rollercoaster.  My relationships have been under stress for a multitude of reasons. But I finally feel that calm AFTER the storm is finally arriving.  My wife has made it through another milestone without smoking, and is finally realizing the value in what I’m doing, logging the food.  I’m proud of her for continuing with the no smoking. 

Now, let’s review my blogs:

Ø  Major Excuse #1 -I have no time to exercise. 

Ø  Major Excuse #2 -I lost track of time. In other words Procrastinating.  This ties into yesterday's excuse of NO time to exercise.  But I had full intentions of exercising, but ended up not because I got engrossed in non essential tasks. 

Ø  Major Excuse #3 – Lack of Motivation

Ø  Major Excuse #4 – Food Weaknesses (I still haven’t opened my box of girl guide cookies.)

Ø  Major Excuse #5 - No time to cook healthy meals

Ø  Major Excuse #6.  Giving in to peer pressure for food

As far as excuses, I have been very aware of them trying to sneak up on me.  I am trying to keep them in check. 

Deflated 03/30/12 – That post was about an argument with my wife.  In the end we did discuss it further and I told her more on how she made me feel.  We are left to our own beliefs, which is fine, and she is more resolved to my beliefs.  On a note though, I did manage that day to stay within my calorie allowance, even before exercising.  I didn’t turn to food for comfort. 

The Temptations of Easter 04/05/12 – For Easter weekend I did fairly well.  I staved off the chocolate mostly.  I was under my calories on Friday and Saturday.  Sunday I did go over, by 361.  So planning that weekend did help. 

I would also like to note, the puffed wheat squares I was being tempted by; we worked it out, they are only 100 calories, so they helped keep me from munching on straight chocolate.  They make an excellent chewy, sticky, chocolaty, gooey goodness snack.  Yes they have sugar, but don’t have added preservatives.  They are probably comparable to some of the marketed “Temptation” snacks that are only 100 calories nutritional content. The trick is, only have one, just like the packaged food, it is only a treat if you only have one.  If you eat the whole box, it is then not good. 

The brownies brought by my mother in law, they were typical calories of 231 each, but I know exactly what was in them, opposed to store bought.  But not as good as the puffed wheat squares.  For each recipe we entered the whole recipe and found that each recipe made about 16 squares 2”x3” ish. 

It’s not you it’s me  04/09/12 – After long discussions, she has assured me that is true.  On the same token, I’m trying to look better all around to help with that.  We are working on it. 

My Challenge to myself 04/10/12 – I did make the challenge.  It was very hard yesterday though. Because of a stressful couple emails with my wife I was very tempted to offer to bring pizza home for dinner.  On top of that, it was a big cry day yesterday and I almost did turn to food for comfort afterwards.  I have a thought on crying and calories though; crying is exhausting.  I wonder how many calories you burn.  With that being said, are you supposed to eat to refuel after a good cry.  The biggest challenge is, don’t turn to junk food, have a healthy snack instead.  We ended up having a dessert custard tofu.  The package was 90 calories.  Not the best desert, but it did fit the bill for refueling, especially with the added protein I think. 

Weekend Challenge 04/13/12 – I didn’t quite make the specific exercise challenge, but I did get a lot of walking in and some Wii Fit.  I did make it to being under for calories though.  The meal plan did help, but it shuffled a lot, and on Sunday made something completely different.  It ended up being very good, but still 700 calorie dinner.  But I had the allotment.  It was a healthy dinner though, Thai Coconut Chicken on buckwheat noodles.  The things that jacked up the calories was the buckwheat noodles, and coconut cream.  Next time I will mix a bit more regular milk with the cream to tone down the fat content.  Overall though, our day had a good balance between fat, protein, and carbs, so that ended up to be a bonus. 

Writers block 04/16/12 – On the end note, I had made things worse via what I had said, but we did end up fixing things by the end of the night.  It was a big cry day for the both of us.  I brought in help from my mother in law, and we were talking again.  Today feels a better day for the both of us. 

Today however I am wanting too much of everything.  So far I have had melon, some fun cereal as a treat, but that lead to also having honey pretzels with lunch.  Now that lunch is over, I still want to munch.  I don’t want fruit, I want carbs.  I wonder if this is recovery from crying or the fact I had buckwheat noodles with dinner again last night; residual withdrawal from carbs.  Or just old habits die hard.

#26 Writers block.......or just too many thoughts in my head. (04/16/12)

Over the weekend, it feels like a million things have happened; yet none that I can seem to put my finger on. 
I finally showed my wife my blog.  It's not like I was hiding it from her, but at first I didn't think it would be a lasting thing, or something that would be worth showing her.  Then it turned into something that I used as a tool, to talk things over in my head and be able to re-read those thoughts, instead of losing them to distractions.  Then it became more of something I was proud of.  In case you haven't followed, she is quitting smoking.  She loved the blog, but that lead to other issues. 
Trying not to add stress to my wife quitting smoking, I tried not to discuss weight loss, and or struggle with her.  In my own struggle with food, it seemed to hit a pinnacle at the same time that she finally quit smoking.  The first week of logging she didn’t like it. In the first week, we cut some of our portions, but hadn`t done a major adjustment yet and our exercise was minimal. Our calories were over every day, but under what would be our maintenance intake.  The second week, we started to do more readjustments of what and how much we were eating.  Because I was cutting out foods and reducing portions, so was she and that then became a double battle, no smoking, no junk food to substitute.  The third week, she was getting a bit better with me logging, and I tried not to be as pointed to her on calories of foods, but she wasn`t seeing any results so she was getting angry with that.  Last week was week four, my wife was getting better at the adjustment, I was trying not to be as strict with her intake, and I was getting better with the withdrawal of junk food myself.  We as a couple were finally not getting upset when it came to food. 
It was at this point that I showed her my blog.  There is some points in my blog about her, and the fact that she wasn`t supportive of what I was trying to do. But I wasn`t pushing blame, I was just trying to come up with a solution, as it was understandable she not be as approachable as usual, in the first while, after quitting smoking. 
I have always struggled with weight.  My mom, bless her heart, was typical Old English, and cooked everything in LARD.  The meals weren`t exactly heart healthy.  But she didn`t know.  I did get conflicting messages growing up from her, don`t eat this, here eat that, which was just as bad.  In the end, I was the chubby child, the overweight teen that never seemed to fit in.  Because I didn`t have any self esteem, I settled in life.  Fresh into adulthood, I got married to an A$$.  The short story that was my husband/marriage, he was a paranoid schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addict. During that marriage I gained a lot of weight from emotional eating, and feeding my husband quick takeout foods because I was working long hours.  I had gained 100 pounds during our marriage. 
After almost 8 years of marriage, I had finally resolved, death (there had been threats, but I hadn’t really but much stock in them) is better than this.  That was my first movement towards better self esteem, that my life was worth something, and yes I did deserve better.  In the period after my divorce I became more comfortable in my skin, with myself.  I came out as a lesbian, which was a huge mind switch for myself.  As soon as I admitted it to myself it was like a light bulb turned on and that dominoed many things in my life.  I became more ok that I was overweight and that wasn’t the end of the world.  Then I met my current wife, and knew that this life would be much better. 
During the dating period, she gained some weight.  I hadn’t really noticed.  After we got married, I gained some weight, and hadn’t really noticed that it was an average of a pound a month.  I was on the same path I had been before.  We were eating out for something to do; I was cooking “bad” for you foods; as well as shopping for them as quick and easy meals, out of habit.  It wasn’t until I looked back at my tracking, last night during/after our long discussion that ensued from my blog, (It seemed to open a big dam of discussion.) that I realized I was on the same path for gaining weight as I was before, during my first marriage, for different reasons, but same path, and this time I was taking my wife with me.
 I am now learning; I am now taking notice; making the time to eat healthy; cook better meals; shop better to not have only temptations as choices; I just hope it isn’t too late, and I hope my wife joins me in the long journey back to being fit (and being smoke free permanently).  I love my wife unconditionally.  I want to be the best wife for her; I want to look my best for her. I want to have healthy habits before one of us gets pregnant. I want to instill good eating habits to our children so they don’t face the same fate we have. 

I guess I have kind of gotten over writer’s block.  I just needed to get started.  Tomorrow’s blog will probably be as long, if not longer, as I think I still have a lot to say. 

As a note, I tried to talk to my wife today, via email, and I made things worse.  I was trying to be positive, but I guess it didn’t come out that way.  D@mn.  Hopefully tonight we can get back to being on the same page with everything. 

#19 It's not you it's me. (04/09/12)

When is that ever true? When my wife and I first started dating, she gained 20-30 pounds and I gained 15-20.  Now we are working on this together to lose that weight, and hopefully more.  The part I'm struggling with is she doesn't like me logging food because she feels the guilt of eating. So now I have to log things long after the fact of eating.

We eat almost the same thing/amounts with slight variations.  We are three weeks in, and had no measurable success.  A side note she is also quitting smoking.  We are fighting more than ever (our first real fight was after being together for two years, yes we are normally smooshy in love), and trying to get somewhere but seem to be stuck.  Our latest disagreement is about romance.  She is using the typical line "It's not you, it's me." She can't get past her body changes from when we first started dating, so she says.  She has tried to assure me that it isn't me, but I'm not feeling it.  What can I do to get the passion back? If we wait till the proverbial weight is gone, that would be a while and decline in our togetherness. 

#12 Emotional Eating Junk Food Withdrawals (03/30/12)

Last night and today I've been through a wave of emotions.  My withdrawal from emotional eating has been worse than trying to quit smoking.  Last night, even though I was under my calorie limit I didn't want to start eating because I knew that would end up putting me over.  Having been under the day before, I was really hoping to get two days in a row. A small amount would have been ok, but emotional eating is NEVER a small amount.  Also, my wife wasn't under so even a small amount would have put her over even farther.  I was angry that I wouldn't though. I tried to push the blame (in my head) to my wife, "If she had eaten the same as me, I would be having something sweet right now." Then I got angry at myself for not just having something, but then I got angry for even having that thought. But I think that was just the withdrawal talking.

Today I've been a mess, secretly tearing up in my office, on and off.  Partially because of the emotions from last night, I'm sure, but now I think it is JUNK food withdrawal.  It is a fine line though isn't it.  I had a healthy breakfast.  But then I get to the point where I would have a snack.  Because I was so upset I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to start that cycle in general.  Yes, may have started with a healthy snack, but maybe then dominoed out of control. I hated the thought that I had to fight that thought.  But then I could feel my blood sugar get low, and the "Snicker Joe" (from the Snicker's commercial with Joe P in it) effect comes in.  When I’m moody because I haven't had anything.  The withdrawal moods was feeding the snicker joe effect.  I was crying more and getting nowhere.  One was making the other worse.  Because I recognized the snicker joe effect, and I can't be snappy at work, I ended up having some melon.  Then I started to think clearly again.  Even though I still wanted the Full Fat Vanilla Latter as comfort, I'm trying not to submit to it. 

I wonder how long these withdrawals are for.  And if I have anything sweet, is that going to reset the clock, like quitting smoking, you can make it x many hours but then you end up having one, and then you have to go through the pains of getting to that point again to see if you can make it further.  Is giving up junk food going to open old wounds that have been covered by emotional eating?  Things have been buried so long I don't even know what might come up. 

So far I'm getting through today; I might try and plan my calories so I can have a coffee with some cream and one sugar in it, instead of black. Is that giving in though?

I'm now done my lunch of a large salad and some pretzels.  My stomach is trying to tell me I'm still hungry.  Can I convince it to SHUT UP?  I should be relatively full.  Maybe I can trick it with water. 

I'm on day 12 of recording EVERYTHING.  The first 8 days was getting most things under control, understanding how much I had been eating.  Of the past four days I have been under two, close on one, and not too bad on the other.  It is hard to keep in mind it does get better.  Food is not the answer it is the fuel, other than that it is baggage you literally have to carry with you everywhere.  I have to keep in mind I am trying to shed that extra baggage that I have been carrying.  I guess that means I need to shed some emotional baggage I didn't even know I was carrying.