Last night we finally did the “Before Pictures”. I haven’t posted them yet. We did one set in standard clothes, and one set in bra and underwear. Seeing the latter of the two, took away any denial in my head that I wasn’t that bad. Yes I had to lose weight, but in my head I didn’t look much different than when I was smaller, just proportionally bigger. Don’t get me wrong, I was never “skinny” just smaller in high school. In one way my body did just get bigger, it didn’t just grow the extra 100 pounds as a growth out the side of my leg, however, my hips and backside took the brunt of it. Seeing the pictures was a slap into reality, seeing HOW much bigger my body is. It showed that I NEED to be doing this, to be losing weight to be able to keep it off.
I think I had body dysmorphia in reverse, not seeing how bad it had gotten. Full length mirrors in my house are few and far between, so far the most part I only see myself from the front, waist up. I had never had much pride in my appearance, mostly my clothes, if they fit well enough then I would wear them, whether they looked good or not, fashion sense was lost in my gene pool. When I was smaller, I dressed in oversized clothes, some of which (100 pounds later) I still fit comfortably. So when I was smaller, I thought I was worse, now that I’m worse, I think I’m better than I really am.
In the back of my head, I knew the photos would be a kick in the pants, but I knew I needed to do them. Seeing the 360 degree view of myself was shocking. It brought my head into perspective though. My fat is here, and my body AND brain need to do something about it.
Right now I am in mode to lose weight, I have a plan, and I am actually doing it. So I am trying not to let the photos rattle me too much. Slowly, but surely the pounds are coming off, and I’m fairly confident they are gone for good. I am also confident that I am on the path to lose a lot more weight and never fall into the path I once was on. The path of not seeing me and what my food and lack of activity had done to my body.
In the past, I have been too comfortable in my skin, mostly because I tried not to see it in detail. However, just because I see it a little different now doesn’t mean I have to change that and start hating my size. Now I need to work on making it better. My life is good now, and is getting better. My self esteem seems to be recovering from a lifetime of battery. Fashion sense seems to also be installing a program in my brain. Now it is time to work on my body, have it recover from a lifetime of misuse.
Even though I am the size I am, I am trying to take pride in my appearance and look better for me and my wife. This is a new feat for me in itself. Along with taking pride in my appearance come body changes. This pride (not vanity) will help me achieve my goals of losing weight and feeling great, and staying that way.
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