I finally showed my wife my blog. It's not like I was hiding it from her, but at first I didn't think it would be a lasting thing, or something that would be worth showing her. Then it turned into something that I used as a tool, to talk things over in my head and be able to re-read those thoughts, instead of losing them to distractions. Then it became more of something I was proud of. In case you haven't followed, she is quitting smoking. She loved the blog, but that lead to other issues.
Trying not to add stress to my wife quitting smoking, I tried not to discuss weight loss, and or struggle with her. In my own struggle with food, it seemed to hit a pinnacle at the same time that she finally quit smoking. The first week of logging she didn’t like it. In the first week, we cut some of our portions, but hadn`t done a major adjustment yet and our exercise was minimal. Our calories were over every day, but under what would be our maintenance intake. The second week, we started to do more readjustments of what and how much we were eating. Because I was cutting out foods and reducing portions, so was she and that then became a double battle, no smoking, no junk food to substitute. The third week, she was getting a bit better with me logging, and I tried not to be as pointed to her on calories of foods, but she wasn`t seeing any results so she was getting angry with that. Last week was week four, my wife was getting better at the adjustment, I was trying not to be as strict with her intake, and I was getting better with the withdrawal of junk food myself. We as a couple were finally not getting upset when it came to food.
It was at this point that I showed her my blog. There is some points in my blog about her, and the fact that she wasn`t supportive of what I was trying to do. But I wasn`t pushing blame, I was just trying to come up with a solution, as it was understandable she not be as approachable as usual, in the first while, after quitting smoking.
I have always struggled with weight. My mom, bless her heart, was typical Old English, and cooked everything in LARD. The meals weren`t exactly heart healthy. But she didn`t know. I did get conflicting messages growing up from her, don`t eat this, here eat that, which was just as bad. In the end, I was the chubby child, the overweight teen that never seemed to fit in. Because I didn`t have any self esteem, I settled in life. Fresh into adulthood, I got married to an A$$. The short story that was my husband/marriage, he was a paranoid schizophrenic, alcoholic, drug addict. During that marriage I gained a lot of weight from emotional eating, and feeding my husband quick takeout foods because I was working long hours. I had gained 100 pounds during our marriage.
After almost 8 years of marriage, I had finally resolved, death (there had been threats, but I hadn’t really but much stock in them) is better than this. That was my first movement towards better self esteem, that my life was worth something, and yes I did deserve better. In the period after my divorce I became more comfortable in my skin, with myself. I came out as a lesbian, which was a huge mind switch for myself. As soon as I admitted it to myself it was like a light bulb turned on and that dominoed many things in my life. I became more ok that I was overweight and that wasn’t the end of the world. Then I met my current wife, and knew that this life would be much better.
During the dating period, she gained some weight. I hadn’t really noticed. After we got married, I gained some weight, and hadn’t really noticed that it was an average of a pound a month. I was on the same path I had been before. We were eating out for something to do; I was cooking “bad” for you foods; as well as shopping for them as quick and easy meals, out of habit. It wasn’t until I looked back at my tracking, last night during/after our long discussion that ensued from my blog, (It seemed to open a big dam of discussion.) that I realized I was on the same path for gaining weight as I was before, during my first marriage, for different reasons, but same path, and this time I was taking my wife with me.
I am now learning; I am now taking notice; making the time to eat healthy; cook better meals; shop better to not have only temptations as choices; I just hope it isn’t too late, and I hope my wife joins me in the long journey back to being fit (and being smoke free permanently). I love my wife unconditionally. I want to be the best wife for her; I want to look my best for her. I want to have healthy habits before one of us gets pregnant. I want to instill good eating habits to our children so they don’t face the same fate we have.
I guess I have kind of gotten over writer’s block. I just needed to get started. Tomorrow’s blog will probably be as long, if not longer, as I think I still have a lot to say.
As a note, I tried to talk to my wife today, via email, and I made things worse. I was trying to be positive, but I guess it didn’t come out that way. D@mn. Hopefully tonight we can get back to being on the same page with everything.
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