Today I read a small blog about bulimia. It got me thinking about my dieting past, when I was much younger. There was one point I can remember, I can’t remember how old I was, but I don’t think I was much older than 11-12. Easter chocolate had been my overindulgence, and I figured, “Why not just throw it up, other people do.” So I did. Once I was done my thoughts were “What a waste of food.” Also with it being a first time, it wasn’t that easy so I didn’t really feel any better than I had before.
Near the end of high school, I tried “anorexia”. That didn’t go well either. Going from over eating to starving constantly, I immediately turned into insta-bitch. Even I noticed, and the “empty” feeling didn’t quite give me any satisfaction at the time, so that didn’t last.
One day in college, I wasn’t feeling well. To the point that I figured throwing up was the best option. I was in the ladies room and someone overheard me having difficulties evacuating my stomach. Through the stall wall she offhandedly said “Have a glass of water, it makes it easier,” then left the washroom. That person recognized what I was doing and instead of saying “Are you ok?” or something like that; she instead tried to tell me how to make a bad habit easier. To this day I don’t know who that was, but I imagine she was a person who was fully bulimic and didn’t see it as abnormal.
Where would I be today if there had been someone listening to my Easter incident and given me the tips then? At that age I would have been easily coerced and thought that was okay. I can pinpoint a few times in my life where if the college incident had happened at that time, I could have easily gone into a downward spiral. Throughout high school I watched many MOW’s about anorexia and bulimia as if to pinpoint the payoff. Try and figure out why people did it. Try and give myself an excuse to say, “Okay, I think I should do that.” However, the MOW’s did do their job and educated me against going down that road.
In my adulthood, I learned that one of my friends in high school struggled with bulimia. Had I known I don’t know if I would have been talking her out of it, or joining her.
From the MOW’s many of them said anorexia/bulimia are a lot about control. A lot in the exterior of their life is out of their control. Food is the one thing they can and everything spirals from there. Maybe some people that are overweight are getting there because of control issues too. Not in consciousness did I realize, it is just now that I am analyzing things that I am maybe making this connection. My BIG weight gain happened during my first marriage. Was I subconsciously trying to gain weight so he would leave me? Early on in dating my second spouse, was I so happy that I was trying to get my wife to gain weight with me so she didn’t trade me in?
Now that I have balance in the rest of my life, I am taking control of my hidden control issues. I am tackling weight loss in a healthy way. I have tried to research most aspects and will continue to do so as I go along this journey. Never again will I starve myself, consider bulimia, or constantly stuff myself to full at each dinner. The right way (hopefully) is right down the middle, enjoy food in small quantity, but not so small my body isn’t getting the nutrients it needs. Get Healthy, both in body and mind.
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