Friday, 21 December 2012

#160 Doughnut Debate (12/21/12)

Today one of the bosses brought in Tim Horton’s doughnuts for a treat for Christmas.  This is not a homemade treat, but something that is tempting me.  I think this is one of my excuse #10 compromises.  Having homemade treats is worth the temptation and calories (well, almost, but too weak to say no).  Doughnuts are outside of that category.  I think I need to say no to the doughnuts.  

#159 OPK’s (12/21/12)

Yesterday I got my first positive OPK.  Woohoo.  For getting to know my cycle I purchased some of the cheap OPK’s from Amazon.  Last month was my first one trying, and I didn’t get a proper positive.  However I had been using them in the morning only, and that was recovery from surgery.  I was a little worried I would need to be going in to the fertility clinic for daily monitoring to catch my ovulation, instead of the simple home version.  Alas my worries were unfounded.  After talking with my doctor he said I should test in the afternoon.  That worked.  My OPK’s work, and so I’m confident the ones I am required to use by the clinic (expensive version that we will be picking up for next month) will work.  Today would have been my first insemination day, just in time for the Christmas closing, but my teeth are the delay, damn.  But it’s better to get things fixed now rather than when I’m pregnant if my tooth acts up, putting major stress on me, which would put the stress on the theoretical baby. 

One month to go for first try.  

Thursday, 20 December 2012

#158 Christmas Baking & Diets (12/20/12)

My willpower over Christmas baking is almost nil.  We are trying to be good and do up lower calorie jams, candied ginger (high sugar, but you only eat one or two), etc for our general baking.  But then there is the stuff out of the daily recipe book that we are trying.  December seems to be mostly deserts.  We have skipped a bunch for caloric reasons, but some are just too tempting to skip. 

Then a co worker of mine gave me some homemade fudge and a marshmallow chocolate log slices.  My wife and I have been sharing them.  However on the day that I received them and they were sitting on my desk, they were calling my name and I couldn’t resist trying some of them. 

The other day, my wife’s desk was the hub of activity so all of the boxes Christmas chocolates that customers were leaving for the office sat on her desk.  She had greater will power than I would have; she just tried two of the truffles and skipped the Pot of Gold.  I would have tried some of each I’m sure.

Our MIL brought over some Christmas baking too.  Some cakes and something else that is perfectly dangerous.  Popcorn Twists Caramel Corn.  We have been pacing ourselves on eating that, and we are probably thankful that she only gave a small container.  This is a recipe that would be diet derailment to make I’m sure, because I wouldn’t stop eating until it’s gone. 

At Christmas there is just a myriad of things to try and most of which are delicious.  It has been a lifetime habit to try at LEAST one of everything offered.  It is a very difficult habit to break.  At this point I guess the compromise is not to try everything on the same day.  Try one or two things today, another tomorrow etc, instead of trying everything now, and seconds on things tomorrow, with new options as well. 

The other hard thing is, with most items being other peoples homemade baking; it is very difficult to log it on MFP.  I am trying to log with best intentions, but finding it frustrating and a little annoying to see my calories be over most days this past little while.  But I am trying to log to be true to the system, and that is helping keeping me from grabbing another nibble in the late evening.  

I guess this is Excuse #10 – Holiday Cheat/Treats.  There really isn’t a rebuttal for this.  It is just that, an excuse.  Just break the habit and remember moderation is the best I can do.  I’m working on curbing that habit, but I don’t think I will have that licked this holiday.  The goal is to not gain weight though, so let’s see how I do.  We are also keeping priority on making some time to work out so maybe, just maybe there will be a loss in the next two weeks. 

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

#157 Coffee as a Crutch (12/14/12)

Before my surgery follow up appointment, I had been doing very well on cutting my coffee consumption.  Not quite to the acceptable levels for pregnancy, but definitely down from usual consumption.  At the appointment with my doctor we discussed coffee, and he said one cup (8 ounce) is ok, which is almost what I was striving for.  My wife has other ideas, but that is another battle we will talk about when the time comes.  I had relatively gotten down to one 16 ounce cup a day, my morning coffee, with a once a week exception of maybe two.  My relative average was two a day. 

It seems since the appointment, I can’t get enough coffee.  I jumped to two-three 16 ounce cups a day, and had I let myself, I may have had more.  Now that I have the tentative deadline of when I’m going to have to almost quit coffee (in my wife’s eyes I will be completely on decaf, or have a total aversion to it.) it seems I’m trying to get as much of a caffeine fix as I can.  I should probably get this under control.  Caffeine withdrawal headaches are not relaxing to aid in conception.  

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

#156 Surgery Follow Up (12/11/12)

My polyp removal was a success.  My uterus is in good shape.  My right fallopian tube is good and clear.  My left fallopian tube has a small polyp that he left alone.  The doctor showed me a picture, it looks like a little rubber nub.  It isn’t cause for concern, and once you start to play with the fallopian tubes, things can get fried (his word not mine) pretty easily, so he left it there.  This is a bit step forward.  We have clearance to go ahead on my next period.  Which would be now, but because I have one more tooth that should be fixed before pregnancy, it will be in January. 

The countdown is on.  Approximately 38 days to my first IUI.  We are hoping the stars align and we are one of the few that gets a home run on the first try.  Not holding my breath, but hoping.  I went through Deb and my plan for pregnancy with the doctor and he did caution I may want to try more than three times, I mentioned, I realize that, but for now, this is the plan.  Virgos, we need a plan of action first, winging it doesn’t work. 

OT – I’m slowly getting my groove back towards weight loss.  The show The Walking Dead is helping with that.  We’ve signed up for Netflix and now I mostly limit my Walking Dead watching to when I’m working out, thus motivating me to get on the treadmill.  Whatever works I guess.  We’ve also been pretty good about eating healthy too.  

Monday, 26 November 2012

#155 Losing my Groove (11/26/12)

This past weigh in was bad.  It really shouldn’t have.  I had finally gotten into working out in the evenings, walking on the treadmill for 30-45 minutes, drinking more water and what not, keeping tabs on what I ate again.  Then, the scales give me a horrible number of gaining two pounds.  That was not expected, nor appreciated. 

The additional down side, I made it worse, by having a gluttonous weekend.  We had poutine fries for dinner, followed by corn fritters.  We had cookies and milk and baileys for desert.  Sunday we ate till we were stuffed on a good dinner of chicken, pumpkin/apple soup, homemade butter pan buns, stuffing, homemade spinach dip and then a slice of homemade apple pie for desert. 

These filling meals were only the beginning.  Cookies, creamfilled cookies.  Not just Girl Guide cookies at 80 calories each, the generic ones, that I’m sure are about 100 calories each.  Falling in love with them again, dipping them into my coffee.  This was an old time habit that I had, every day, I would have one or two or three or so cookies dipped with my morning and/or afternoon coffee.  Sometime they would be biscuits, or digestive type cookies, but the cream filled ones were the best.  This habit had been kicked for a long time, I think the last time I did that on a regular basics, I was still living with my husband at the time.  I do believe this was one of the large reasons I gained 100 pounds while married to my husband, over about 8 years. 

At this point, I realize I have fallen off the path of weight loss a while ago, and I was trying to get things back together.  This weekend was a complete reversal of everything I have been trying to accomplish since starting this revolutionary change to my lifestyle.  The problem right now, I don’t have the motivation to get back on track.  The two pound gain was the last kick that killed my motivation.  Yes, I may walk in the evenings, but I feel I would be doing so, so I can eat more food, than lose weight. 

My wife and I are looking into buying a recumbent bike in order to both be able to do cardio at the same time; one biking and one on the treadmill, and watch TV while doing.  Will I be able to get my groove back once we do get the bike?  I don’t know, thus should we buy it at all? 

Deb has long since stopped logging on MFP and I don’t think she will start again.  I have definitely been lacking in this lately too.  She hasn’t been working out with me because she gets a LOT more steps during the day at work.  With getting the recumbent, which will be better on her bad knees, she will exercise with me, even for a bit.  I’m hoping the buddy system will get my groove back.  

My craving for sugar and sweets, and greasy foods seems to be back, unto my own undoing.  This is the time to start the trials, all over again, after this long slow relapse that seemed to start on the cruise.  That is a three month detour of trying to lose weight and losing focus on the goals.  It is so easy to give in to temptation, when the rewards seem to be so much work. 

Let’s see if I can find my groove.  

Monday, 19 November 2012

#154 Polypectomy (11/19/12)

On Thursday I had the surgery to remove the polyp.  Barring almost getting sent for a mammogram, (Patient mix-up) everything went well.  While getting checked in, the nurse informed me that I needed to take a pregnancy test.  They failed to let me know beforehand, I had just peed, so I tried to say I didn’t need one.  I said “there was no way I was pregnant because I hadn’t had sex with a man in over 5 years.”  She then said “I’m Sorry.” As if to say I hadn’t been in a relationship for that long.  I then went on to explain that the person next to me was my WIFE, and this surgery was part of the journey in order to get pregnant.  She then went to her higher up person to ask, the answer was I still had to pee in a cup.  I told them they would have to wait until I had to pee again.  It wasn’t a huge surprise, my first BFN. At least it wasn’t the full TWW before that test. 

There were many stages to the day; mostly from one nursing station to the next.  Once I got escorted to the surgery ward we got to meet the anesthesiologist, the intern and talk with my surgeon.  I walked right into the operating theatre suite.  Once I was situated on the table, the surgeon went over what he was going to do to me; which was a good thing seeing the mammogram mix up almost happened, this gave me the extra piece of mind that he was doing the right surgery.  Shortly after that, I was out via IV sedation.  I do remember waking up during surgery and saying, “That is a bit painful”.  They must have given more sedation, as that was all I remember. 

Post surgery, the hand written note from my doctor was “The polyp was removed.  J”.  While in the one hour wait post waking up the nurse was talking about pain management.  She was saying I could take, to Advil, then in two hours I could take two Tylenol, then after the next two hours I could take Advil again, and repeat that rotation.  That was in fair shock, as I didn’t think there would be that much pain that required that much management.  All in all I took one Advil when I got home to help with the cramps, and that was it.  There was some discomfort, but I didn’t want to over medicate so I could monitor if things were getting better or worse.  The cramps followed for a couple days afterwards, minimally.  But at least the oven is clean to put a bun in it to start baking. 

I need to go for a follow up appointment in four weeks.  Then we will begin the wait for my first cycle that we will be able to inseminate, which looks like the end of January due to the clinic closure for Christmas. 

My wife pampered me all day and night.  It was a great “Sherpa” training day.  I came across that term reading the linked blog.  I liked it and so did Deb, so we have agreed to use that term Sherpa to the Non Bio Mom when one of us is pregnant.  I’m lucky to have such a wonderful wife. 

This is a picture of me being wheeled out to the car by my Sherpa. 

Thursday, 8 November 2012

#153 Update in General (11/08/12)

Well, I was right, I didn’t get in and out of IM appointment as quickly as last time.  I got in to see the nurse right away, but then was waiting for the doctor for two hours.  Apparently the doctor I was supposed to see got snowed in, so he was filling in.  He said I was a low risk patient for surgery next week.  That is good news, nothing I didn’t know though.  As a precaution he might order a nebulizer before surgery to make sure my asthma is calm.  Not a bad idea, so that at least made it a little worthwhile for an appointment. 

While I had someone, I asked him about weight loss and nutrition.  He in general said to go to a nutritionist, as he didn’t want to give me bad advice.  So I did say what we were doing for Carb/Protien/Fat proportions, and asked where squashes fell in the vegetable category ie potatoes > broccoli.  It is somewhere in the middle, which is what I had figured.  Overall, our diet plan is pretty good, from what he was saying.  The problem is sticking to the plan. 

As far as our “diet” is going, the past few months have been a valley of denial.  Not going completely off the rail, but we’re not really making progress either.  My wife stopped logging onto MFP a while ago now.  Without her doing it along side, I’ve been lazy with my logging, and not doing it to the extent it should be done, as well as missing days entirely. 

I’ve stopped walking at lunch, even before the snow arrived.  The main reason was sweat.  The more I walked, the more I wanted to walk.  That is great in theory.  The downside to this is; it is a break at work, and the first place I sweat is my head.  My hair was beginning to look pretty slick in the afternoons.  Yuck.  The doctor gave me an idea though.  Nearing the end of the day, go up and down the flight of stairs in our building a few times.  It is only a few minutes of workout, but it is more calories burned than walking, and it is at the end of the day, so I wouldn’t need to worry as much about the sweat in my hair.  So I’m hoping to get that into action, maybe even today.  I say this as I snack on Kellogg’s Krave cereal, with 0 nutritional value, other than “fortified vitamins” I’m sure, as an after lunch snack.  It is a good think I only have a measured portion of this, as this cereal is a very moreish item.  If left unchecked I’m sure I would eat the entire box.  Alas, I think we will buy these anymore once the box is done. 

On the hopefully up side of our diet, we have purchased a book; A Year Full of Recipes.   So far this is inspiring us to cook from scratch, thus having less processed foods.  With some modifications to reduce oil used and various spices we don’t care for, these recipes have been a hit, and most meals being between 300-500 calories with sides on the recipe.  My wife has been doing the cooking so far, which is a lovely thing for her to do.  They are very filling dinners that are fairly nutritionally balanced, without overdoing it on the calories.  Yes they have some deserts, and we will probably make them, but the idea is only have deserts once/twice a week, instead of every day, which is a routine we have fallen into, even if they are small desserts.

I hope this meeting with the doctor is enough to help get me started again, be more focused on losing weight, while I have the time, before I try to get pregnant.  In the past year, since we bought the Wii Fit, I have lost about 12 pounds.  That is one pound a month.  This is not a large progress, but it is solid progress in my eyes.  We’ve made small changes here and there, but seem to lack the combination of using the small changes together to make a larger difference.  Hopefully over the next year we can work on that.  The one thing is though, we have been at this a year.  We haven’t been 100% goal oriented, but have majority kept going, kept plugging away.  I think this is the longest period of time where weight management has been at least remotely on my mind.  Some things have taken the focus off, Deb quitting smoking, going on a vacation, clearing a hoarder house, and a cruise full of buffets, but we have kept going and kept most of the weight loss off, so now is a time to start going down again. 

Everything in life has peaks and valleys, but at least life isn’t flat and boring.  

Sorry for the long winded post, just a lot to say today I guess.

Monday, 5 November 2012

#152 Internal Medicine Appointment (11/05/12)

When I got this phone call, I was very blatant with “Are you kidding me?”  As discussed on my last post, my appointment with the anesthesiologist was quicker than planned, good to go etc.  Well I get another call this morning from the Pre-Admission clinic.  I need to have another appointment eerily similar to last Thursday, ie bring medications, talk with the doctor, have blood pressure done.  This time, instead of an anesthesiologist, it is with an Internal Medic.  Once again the appointment wait time could be from 2-3 hours.  They say I get a physical, but really, couldn’t they have done that at the last appointment.  This is an example of creating jobs.  It used to be, “oh you’re going for surgery, show up at the hospital an hour early, you then talk to any of the staff required, and they look you over, then wheel you in for surgery.  I even had a second person call from the clinic to make sure I was coming to the appointment, and clarify that the reason I need to see IM is because of my asthma.  I reassured her that my asthma is under control.  She says it is standard procedure. 

The drive to the hospital is a good 30-60 depending on traffic, each direction, plus hospital parking upwards of $10-20 or so.  Plus the wait time at the hospital.  (Last time I got lucky getting in and out in less than 45 minutes, I don’t expect to be that lucky again.) Last time I got a ride to the hospital with my MIL, so I could avoid parking, but I don’t want to inconvenience her again. 

On the last appointment my blood pressure was a little high, after these two phone calls, it is through the roof.  When my fertility doctor, who is doing the surgery, asked if I wanted a consult with the anesthesiologist, I thought a phone call at most.  If I would have known this rigmarole, I would have said “No thank you, I’ve been under various anesthetic before and had no issues, I will be fine.”  That would have saved a lot of hassle. 

So, this Thursday, I need to get up at an ungodly hour to go through rush hour traffic to a hospital at the other end of the city, to sit and probably wait. ARG.  In my opinion, I don’t need a second opinion from a different doctor, I really didn’t need the first.  

Friday, 2 November 2012

#151 Anesthesiologist Appointment (11/02/12)

Well, as part of my TTC journey, I had my anesthesiologist appointment yesterday.  When the nurse was making the appointment with me she warned me to bring water, snacks, and something to read, the appointments would take at least 2-3 hours.  Being I didn’t want to pay for outrageous hospital parking I had arranged to have my MIL to drop me off and pick me up when I was done.  I had also booked the afternoon off work.  My baggage carrying into this appointment was fairly large, I had a big bag of all my medications, and vitamins, with a bottle of water.  Then I had my large purse with a variety of snacks stuffed into it.  Then I had the big book “What to Expect When Your Expecting” by Heidi MurkoffSharon Mazel.  (On a side note, I have been told it is not a kind book to people who are overweight, so I’m trying to take any negativity with a grain of salt, and doing a slight skim read instead of reading word for word.  So far it has been worth the read.) and of course a travel coffee mug.  When a hospital says the appointment is going to be 2-3 hours I was ready for longer. 

The appointment was to consist of and EKG, nurse consult, anesthesiologist consult and chest x-ray.  The estimated time waiting was I think because you are forever waiting for the appointment to start on time, then the next person, move to next area and wait, and repeat. 

This is how the appointment ended up going.  Traffic was good, so I was about 15 minutes early.  When I went up to the admissions desk, they thought I was someone else, which had been late.  Because the earlier appointment was late or a no-show, and I was early they put me in that slot.  So I was escorted into the exam room right away by the nurse consultant.  I got my bags put down, and the EKG technician came in right away to do that first.  That was very quick, and unofficially looked good, yay.  The nurse stayed in the room, so once I was done the EKG I sat with her, went over my medications and medical history.  She also took my blood pressure, which was a little high, but we were talking about babies and TTC, so I chalk it up to that, but I think my blood pressure might be something to keep an eye on.  Not good.  Once the consultation was done with her she left the room saying the doctor would be in soon, which I took as I would be waiting for a while.  I read less than two pages in the book and the doctor came in.  We went over my anesthetic options for surgery; she asked a few health questions; then instructed me to go back to the front desk to get my x-ray form and go over to the emergency wing of the hospital to get to imaging diagnostics.  So I did just that. 

Once at the diagnostics area, I handed the form to the front desk, which she then instructed me to have a seat in the waiting room.  I was the only person there.  About a minute later I get called by the x-ray technician to get changed into a very fashionable hospital gown.  Once I was changed I went right in, had two x-rays, and left.  The whole series of events took a little less than 45 minutes.  The down side, I had to go back to work, the up side, I have no red flags for surgery in two weeks.  Yay.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

#150 Body getting ready? (10/23/12)

Lately my body is experiencing psychosomatic symptoms of being pregnant; heart burn to the point of reflux, constipation, mood swings at odd points, yesterday I went from Happy, to irritable, to screaming at dropped pumpkin bags, to sad, to mellow in a matter of hours.  Is this my body’s way of saying “are you sure you want to do this for nine months?” or is my body wanting to get pregnant so bad it is trying to be ready? Or are there things in the supreme prenatal vitamins that do this to a person?  Or are the vitamins countering the synthroid I’m on? Was yesterday’s mood swing a delay on menstrual hormones? Or a combination of the above.  Pregnancy is going to be a roller coaster for me and my Sherpa (my wife who will be my helper while pregnant; inspired by 2 Moms – It Can Be Done.) Maybe it is my body’s way of preparing me for the dreaded/anticipated TWW, so I don’t stress over every symptom thinking “Am I pregnant?” because I’ve had these leading up to the first IUI, then I just need to wait Patiently for a BFP. 

On a side note, from my previous post, the friend in my previous post, was having her first when my wife and I were discussing what needed to happen before we started the TTC journey.  Now she is all ready on her second.  It's a little aggravating the hoops we, as lesbians, need to go through to even start trying.  I thought my wife was jumping the gun a little when she mentioned we should get the ball rolling earlier this year, but we did, and now we are all ready behind on our planned schedule starting because of my polyp.  I guess I’m feeling the frustration, aggravation, annoyance, and sadness with the process. 

Monday, 22 October 2012

#149 BFP... (10/22/12)

For a friend of mine.  She has been trying for one complete cycle, a little on the previous, but not consistent.  She is a fertile bunny.  On her first pregnancy, she had it timed to the day she would try her first pregnancy test (on father’s day) to get a possible BFP, months in advance.  She allowed timing to come off BC, then clear her system, wait the couple months, cycle and bam, pregnant.  She pretty much did the same this time again.  I hope I’m that fertile.  She has a slight advantage though; live sperm on demand.  That I suppose is one of the advantages to being straight. 

The other day I had a dream that my wife and I were trying to steal sperm, kind of like on The L Word where Bette and Tina try and get into a threesome.  Alas, any time in my dream I tried to kiss the man, it was like I was kissing poison, needless to say it was an epic fail, even in my dream, to get pregnant.  Let’s hope the clinical way works better in reality. 

Thursday, 18 October 2012

#148 IUI Timing (10/18/12)

You have to remember, everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason.  Everything happens for a reason. 

When I first saw my fertility doctor, we had charted one month of BBT.  He said we don’t need to do that anymore, so we stopped.  I’m starting up again, just for my curiosity but haven’t gotten a full month.  I’ve just started my cycle again, 3 days early.  So I’m trying to have a full month charted, and continue going for now.  The point to this is; my cycle is now 3 days early.  This puts my ovulation days (per my iPFree App) right when the clinic is closed for Christmas break.  I can’t go before that, as I have surgery to remove a polyp scheduled for mid November, right when I’m menstruating, so that complete month is out.  Before this early cycle, my peak ovulation day was January 3rd 2013, and that is the day the clinic reopens for business.  I was really hoping time would be on my side and I would be able to try first week into the New Year.  Now, I’m looking at the end of January, which would mean the earliest Due date would be November 1st.  That is a little too late in the year to have my grandmother fly over from England. 

So, I’m now sending my body fertile thoughts and direction to have a shorter cycle this month as well, which would pull my prime date ovulation to before the clinic closes for Christmas.  I’m now also wondering if I should do a couple months of OPK’s to test that they do work for my body, and that I ovulate close to when the App thinks I do.  The OPK’s are just expensive and I’m wondering if it is worth the cost.  Did anyone test OPK’s before trying IUI? 

Quick cycle, quick cycle, quick cycle, breathe, relax, quick cycle, quick cycle.  Everything happens for a reason. 

I think my cycle starting early may be my body saying, hurry up and get pregnant all ready.  I hope so, but it isn’t quite working to the PLAN.  Goes to show plans can change at a moment’s notice. 

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

#147 Trying to Conceive (10/16/12)

Since switching over to blogspot, I have been reading a few other blogs of lesbians trying to conceive, most of which were from some years past and now have children a year or more old.  Most of them have been great for me to get a better idea of what to expect and to be able to get more of the desire to be pregnant, not just wanting children.  (I found it weird to think of a baby growing inside; it wasn’t on my bucket list really, before reading a few blogs.) And reading of the babies’ first year let me glimpse into what life may look like and see what the reward is.  I haven’t really been around too many babies or children for that matter; so the concept was still a LOT foreign to me.  But the desire to have a family with my wife was strong. 

Our plan to get to that point is the obvious for lesbians, IUI’s.  We are spend thrift, and can’t justify the long term costs of keep going until you get pregnant, no matter the costs, when there are children that need homes via adoption. The downside to adoption is it can take a very long time, especially  with wanted a newborn, and more countries having restrictions on gay couple.  Plus we would like to at least try to have one of our own.  So we came up with the plan of try for me to get pregnant three times, if no avail, we will then try to get my wife pregnant three times.  If still no one is pregnant, we will go the adoption route.  Now, reading more blogs and seeing that trying for 6 months and still no pregnancy is almost a normal.  I am worried our efforts will be in vain.  We are always planning for getting pregnant fairly quickly; as it seems our life doesn’t take the slow road for much, while still knowing it may not happen that way.  Reading another blog today whose journey was long, but just reached the 6 month mark of IUI’s, it hit a little harder.  Will I get to my three month mark and be devastated that I was unable to get pregnant?  Will I want to keep trying?  Or will I pass the baton to my wife gladly?  End result we would like to children from the same donor.  If I fail at the first three attempts, we may not get that. Three attempts seems a minuscule amount of time in most TTC journeys. 

I guess we are hoping to be part of the small fraction of couples that are lucky enough to get pregnant quickly; otherwise it will be Three Strikes, You’re Out.  The phrase third time’s a charm comes from somewhere.

Yikes, I’m having these worries and we haven’t even gotten to IUI #1.  Only time will tell what happens

#146 Dreams (10/16/12)

It’s funny how people can affect you long after they have left your lives.   Last night I had a dream about my ex husband, in case you haven’t read earlier posts, in short form he was a Paranoid Schizophrenic Alcoholic Drug Addict (mostly pot, but near the end was into coke and crack).  If you notice the past tense of that sentence, he is a was; died of a heart attack a few years ago.  The dream is rattling me more that it should.  It is just one of those dreams that seem to stick with me. 

I don’t remember many of my dreams, when I do; they are usually pretty weird, nothing bone rattling like this one is trying to be.  He is dead; I need to let it go.  My Ex Mother in Law is dead also, and I have NO contact with the Ex Father in Law, and the Ex Sister in Law is still in jail awaiting trial, and thus have no contact and never plan to.  I googled her today and found she finally has a trial date for late 2013.  (She deserves to be there, for a murder of her ex, and I hope she stays there for a lot more years.)  I am very happy to be rid of any contact with that family, slightly sad about EX MIL, but it is what it is.  So why is this dream sticking with such a bad feeling?

Friday, 12 October 2012

#145 General (10/12/12)

Today was an excellent day for a walk.  I have been slacking on that for the past couple weeks because of not feeling too well, then this past week the weather was nippy, so I didn’t feel I wanted to; all excuses I know.  Even today I wasn’t planning on going, but as I stood up to go to the lunch room for utensils, my body and brain decided to go for a walk first. 

On another upside, last week I had lost 6 pounds, mostly due to illness.  I had expected to gain it all back, which 5 pounds had come back the next day, but it didn’t bother me because of the circumstances.  Weigh-in’s are usually saved for weekend mornings, but due to the extreme fluxuations last week I have been weighing in periodically this week to see what is happening.  So far I’m back down another 2.5 pounds.  All in all, if I don’t gain back all of the weight lost last week, I see that as a good thing.  I guess we will see tomorrow how much my ticker goes backwards.  If I can stay at the 15 pounds lost (currently 17), that would be great.

On a side note though, this past week has been a fairly nice rejuvenating one.  The downside, it was because my wife had a terrible head cold.  To keep her from getting worse, and keeping on the mend, we have been relaxing and mostly watching TV when we get home from work.  Then we’ve been drinking the wives’ tale drink for colds; grated ginger, about a tablespoon or two, with hot water, lemon juice and a bit of honey.  As far as logging food on MFP, I haven’t logged that drink, but I think any calories in the honey, is expended by the burn from the quantity of ginger.  So far I have kept from getting ______.  I don’t want to say it to jinx it.  My wife’s cold is finally easing up a bit. 

This weekend we are heading camping with Deb’s dad and step mom.  We are going for one night only, provided her cold doesn’t take a stride for the worse.  At least we are camping in partial luxury; in an RV, so if the weather gets bad, we can bunker in warmth.  We are on the debate to take one of our dogs, Tuffy.  He is un-socialized, which is our fault for not exposing him to much of anything.  This might be good exposure for him, however he might be vibrating with all the new things he NEEDS to bark at and investigate.  We’ll see how it goes.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

#144 Curious Side Effect (10/10/12)

This is the curious side effect of pre-natal vitamins.

I am asthmatic, and had phlegm issues on a regular basis.  It has been just a part of life.  Over the past couple months, the phlegm has almost gone.  Coughing spats were few and far between instead of a daily basis.  It has been a good few months.  My wife and I have been trying to figure out what might have made the difference.  Our house is a little cleaner, but it wasn’t that bad beforehand. 

While I have been ill the past couple weeks, I stopped most of my medications, including pre-natal vitamins.   During this period, I also noticed the phlegm come back.  I was trying to think why it was coming back all of a sudden, when it hit me; my pre-natal vitamins.  The improvement in my lungs started around the time I started the vitamins, I stopped them and my lungs got worse.  This could be a coincidence, but not too sure.  Now that I am feeling better, I have started the vitamins again.  I guess I will see if there is an improvement again.  If this is the case, post pregnancy, I may need to find out what the specifics are that make the difference. 

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

#143 Rapid Loss (10/09/12)

Over the weekend, I did my usual weekly weigh in.  Due to the fact, for the week prior, I hadn’t been able to eat, my stomach wasn’t doing well, and my crohns flaring up, I think, I lost 6 pounds from the week prior.  It is a great loss, but I doubt it will stay off.  So my ticker above saying I’ve lost 17 pounds, will probably go back to normal next week, but hopefully will be more that the 11 pounds lost it was.  As of this morning I had gained back 5.  The up side is, my stomach is getting better.  I seem to be processing food well, so even though most of the weight came back, feeling better is worth a lot more. 

Monday, 8 October 2012

Alaska Photos

I am delinquent in posting photos.  But finally here are the Alaska Cruise photos of our trip in early September.  It was a lot of fun, that week, I actually made the 70,000 steps. Before that I had a maximum of 54,000 in a week.  

 This is my MIL, Deb and I in Surrey as we are starting our journey.  

This was the view from the horse drawn carriage we took in Stanley Park Vancouver.

Us with the horses

The gorgeous plants in the rose garden of Stanley Park Vancouver

MIL and me sitting on the deck of the Zuiderdam Cruise

This is a pan from deck 10 on the Zuiderdam

This was in Juneau on our whale watching tour

Sea lions on our whale watch tour

My MIL in the captain's chair, she ask, he let her.  It was fun

If you look mostly just left of center there is a whale.  They are pretty hard to get a photo of with a slow shutter speed.  

This is also in Juneau at the Glacier Park.  This is also where I saw the bear, that I posted a photo of in an earlier blog.

This is in Skagway on our dog sled run.  

On the tour you get to play with the puppies to help socialize them

Each day when the room attendants make your bed, they give you towel creatures.  Here are a couple

This is in Glacier Bay, very wet and windy

This is approaching Ketchikan

In Ketchikan we did mostly walking around the town and shopping.

This was our last afternoon on the cruise.  We didn't sit much, it was very exhausting, but a lot of fun.  If you look closely, you can see Deb's reflection in the glass.  

That afternoon we went into a fog.  It started off like this

Then went to this.  The left is the fog, not camera issues. 

Our last sunset

The Bounty of Apple Sauce

We had to move our freezer this weekend to set up the garage.  In our freezer are six drawers, as shown.  They are all full to the brim with apple sauce.  We have used some on top of this, to make the apple butter, and fruit leathers.  It has been a daunting, but rewarding experience.

Day 4 - Something Green

This is one of our house plants.  The camera did something weird, but a neat effect.

This wasn't taken for this challenge, but couldn't resist putting it in this green challenge.  It was the one broccoli floret that managed to grow in our garden this year, despite all odds competing with thistles it grew. It was about the size of a loonie.

Day 3 - Clouds

The Day I took this photo for this post, there weren't many clouds in the sky.  It was a lovely day.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

#142 Still Sick (10/04/12)

All in all, I’m getting better, but still not feeling like I should. One thing I have learned is I think I need to appreciate food a bit more.  We are eating healthier and stuff like that, but usually we are in a rush to be eating what we are, and get onto the to do list etc.  Sometimes being over full, sometimes not, but not usually just enjoying the meal for what it is, a beautifully tasting meal.  The past two days, I’ve been limited on what I eat, and how much.  Last night my MIL cooked a lovely simple meal consisting of Gluten Burgers, Boiled Potatoes, and Peas.  The amount I had would have been considered small for a child’s meal, but in the end I enjoyed the meal.  I appreciated that I was able to eat the meal, as far as solids I had been having oatmeal and toast to that point, and it tasted lovely. 

Today for lunch, I had with me my usual monster veggie salad, but my stomach wasn’t quite up to the work of digesting something that solid.  So, I’ve ended up having some plain yogurt to help the good bacteria develop in my stomach and strawberries dipped in it, then a side of prunes.  It was a lovely lunch, simple but pleasing, and filling.  I hope I can keep the momentum of slowly eating, and appreciating what food I do put in my mouth/body.   

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

#141 Meltdown (10/01/12)

This weekend was a gong show.  The panicle of this weekend that is making me write is my motorcycle, and my wife’s.  As mentioned, what seems like ages ago, we are thinking of selling them.  I have resigned myself that selling them is a huge benefit, financially, plus the fact my wife doesn’t like riding because her hand’s fall asleep, which isn’t safe, and I agree.  In addition, now that we travel together, and I don’t pass out as the passenger by the time we hit city limits, I enjoy riding in a car with her and just enjoying our time together talking.

We were moving them from our garage, to the shed, for winter storage, and taking photos to be able to list them on Kijiji, on the off chance we can sell them before winter.  I hit chemical meltdown, downright bawling.  Not conducive to getting work done.  What hold do these bikes have on me?  I don’t have a clue.  There are multiple theories on this, that I have come up with, but none seem to hit the nail on the head, so to speak.  (I can’t even blame PMS.) 

Today at work, I was still an emotional mess, and I don’t know what I need to do.  My wife is at a loss on how to console me.  She isn’t making me sell, or even suggesting it, because when it comes up, I melt down. 

This weekend, I went back into Dos-derland.  I’m in the process of re-losing the weight I had gained in August/September.  I should be happy I’m back on the path to weight loss, but it seems I still have so far to go to get where I was.  Did I gain some weight, but lose a different pound that was tied to more emotional baggage I didn’t know was there?  At this point, I don’t think the motorcycles are the only reason I’m still blue.

Right now, I do want to give up on the weight loss journey, carry on with trying to get pregnant, I’m going to gain all the weight back anyways, and take this body as is; broken through its original packaging, and never going to be in mint condition, (manufacture note: It has been slightly damaged right from the start. )

This blog is keeping me going though, I’m still writing to save my life.  I wasn’t going to post any of this, but in the end, obviously as you are reading this, decided I should.  This is just one of the hard points that I need to work through for this very long journey. 

Maybe I’m just overworked, overtired, and stressed, and this is the manifestation.  There needs to be balance between work and relaxation, maybe I need to bring the balance back to my life, and the motorcycles represent a time in my life where my to-do list was short, and my relaxation time was in abundance.  Right now, my to-do list is a mile long spreadsheet and days off seem to be getting fewer and farther between.  It is my fault for letting it get this way, and it is my responsibility to get the balance back. 

In the film industry, I used to work very hard for periods of time, and then get a month or so off as my relaxation time.  That was my balance.  The down side was, I didn’t know when the next job was coming, which after a month or two of down time, it turned into stress.  This is why I started working at my current job.  It is full time, year round, with moderate pay.  It is my first full time, permanent job, in a roundabout way.  I guess I just need to learn to live this new life, in balance, without having to take extra vacations, just to get away from the to-do lists. 
Or maybe I just need to eat better.  This weekend, my eating habits included Pizza and Chinese food, not good for the diet, but maybe even worse for my mood. 

Amendment:  October 3rd, 2012.  Or maybe I was coming down with a bug.  The past two days I have been sick; lost 5 pounds in 2 days.  I think Sunday/Monday’s emotional breakdown was a cumulative of all of the above. 

As far as the photo challenge, I think I will just continue on tonight with #3.  :D  Got to keep trying. 

Friday, 28 September 2012

#140 Crab Apple Canning (09/28/12)

Just a little post on our canning ventures so far.  The 11 little jars are crab apple butter, aka Chutney, or spicy jam.  It turned out a little runny, but still pretty good for our first try.  Woohoo.  All but to snapped closed.  So they are the first two we will use, after the left over bowl we didn't fit into the small jars we had.  So many preserves, so little time, and so little jars.  I guess we need to stock up.  We thought 1 dozen of each size should be plenty, WRONG.  We have the big ones left, but they will get used quickly enough I imagine.  The jam size and the next size up are going to be our preference I think.

The four big jars were our first attempt at canning in general, and are straight, no sugar added apple sauce, same as the baggies. 

#139 Day 2 – Something that makes me happy (09/28/12)

The ultimate thing that makes me happy is my wife, Deb.

Apparently we have been in hat moods for the past 24 hours, not a normal.